taking it easy

hi, im back here again, after two weeks. idk if i could call it a short time, since things seem to pass faster when u get used to things and don't really think about stuff happening elsewhere. quite some time has passed since i left school, since my grad trip, since i first enlisted, etc, and there were many nice memories from them. although when ppl try to catch up with me about things happening recently, i kind of get lazy to explain though.

my mum is back from canada since last saturday, and it didn't really feel like 2 months since she left, but at the same time many things happened between now and then. even still, such changes don't really seem to change anything. i guess that's what happens when life gets routine.

anyway, over dinner, i was asked why i didn't try to apply for uni overseas. its not the first time i heard the question, though usually i kind of put off the question. my main reply is that i do not know which overseas uni to apply to, but that's not entirely true, cos there's a few american unis that would be more suitable for the kind of thing i'd really want to study. it's mainly cos of the inertia ever since i graduated, and after i got my placing in SMU and a pretty great scholarship, which honestly, i got with too little effort.

it made me feel i didn't have to research about overseas uni, and knowing that if i change my mind now, i'd have to study for and take SATS, and maybe do stuff that improves my portfolio (which isn't really my kind of thing). i used to not want to go to america for some weird reason too, scared that i'd go astray if i was left on my own, what with how easily i might get influenced, due to my poor self-control. and i kinda didn't want to leave the people im so familiar with behind me.

things have changed a little since the last time i've thought about this though. being in army has made many things about my personality change i guess, both good and maybe not so good ways. i've probably put much more effort than i ever did before, sometimes with no better reason than cos i just want to challenge myself.

see if i can get that ippt gold, or just try to get the damned track pad out of its pitch and keep pulling damn hard on the torque bar. go under the gun and try to remove the dried up mud from the wheels, ending up hosing myself with lots of water and eating a lot of sand, just cos i felt good when the wheel gets cleaned completely. some things are really trivial, but it seems i might have learned how to get a little enjoyment from trying hard sometimes, even though it seems like a waste of energy. 

there's some bad things though. i know my temper has gotten shorter, though i usually still try not to let it show as always. and i know my self-control has gotten pretty bad, especially after my mum left for overseas, i haven't been sleeping at the appropriate times and i come home quite late from outings.

but i guess im doing ok in army, even if i suffered alot previously, both physically and mentally, and even though im still somewhat alone and abit weird, i feel happy when my sergeants say i work quite hard, or when i hear my bunkmates ask why i dont get angry even if ppl snap at me.

i guess my point is that, maybe if i held the same attitude towards my future, rather than just sitting here being comfortable with my funded degree, i could maybe do more and feel happier. maybe i've been at ease for too long, though im not sure if the effort to work harder would be worth it. it's abit like a visual novel with two choices lol.

of course, i'd think it be better if i worked harder, but it's a bit difficult to feel the push to do so on my own. maybe i should start asking ppl who went overseas if they felt like their effort is worth it, which probably is la haha. but then again, getting into the uni is not everything. though the experience of being there would make me more motivated to try big things.

then again, there's many things to life than just that. maybe im not suited to adventure and fly off to somewhere unknown. if i just continued on like this, be more self controlled, and enjoy life, that wouldnt be so bad either. i guess with the way i am, ill just get used to whatever happens somehow

ok la that's all for now, need to rush to book in le. life's been getting k at army ever since trade course ended haha. kk bye~~

pop lo!

hi im back after very long haha. recently i just pop-ed from my gunners course, and although the actual thing seemed very meh cos we still got tekan-ed that day and we're still remaining in the same place, i get the feeling that life in camp will probably get more fun from now on haha.

anyway, the summary of the course was basically driving, where we drove on muddy tracks in gedong, washing up of guns and maintenance, learning how to operate all the ammo loading mechanism, types of ammo etc. and also a lot of pt, chores and cleaning haha. and although many ppl said it was sian, the ppl who came in halfway through the course says the facilities very lousy. but even after all that, i still feel somewhat lucky that i ended up there, cos the stuff we learnt and gone through was quite interesting even though it can get sian (cleaning especially). 

maybe i could have done as well even if i was posted elsewhere, like let's say 23SA, or maybe as a GA/signaller, but after going through what i did, and trying to explain to others what i'm doing now, i kinda feel quite glad that at least 21SA is somewhat interesting. and i did feel like i put in quite a lot of effort during this course then i probably did my whole life. although there aren't many achievements to show that, but i managed to get a silver for my IPPT, and maybe i did become stronger after all haha.

there was one point during this course that i felt quite upset. i not the most aware of ppl, and of course not everyone would be that understanding and less judgemental. even then, i think i tried too hard to fit in, and ended up as somewhat of a joke. like not being taken seriously or ignored. its damn hard to maintain a conversation with some ppl when the first few sentences already sting u until u don't feel like talking anymore.

i guess i kinda learnt how to not to force it too much. and i kinda gotten a bit more familiar with my phone haha. ended up watching more anime and using the ds emulator to play all sorts of games heh. and that after while i realised that ppl don't hate me as much i thought they did, its just that somehow they like to make fun of me. but over time, i managed to get along with most ppl. even started like teaching ppl basic jap cos they wanted to learn so badly haha.

and recently, the days in camp have been quite peaceful. plus now they are "opening up" the lounge area for use, which has the ps2, table tennis tables, and quite a few board games, not to mention sofas and aircon :D. its really quite a comfy place, and we're soon allowed to use it provided we put in effort in decorating it and making it nice. its also a place where u see the sergeants just fooling around like normal men haha, and that kind of lightens up the mood of being stuck in camp haha.

anyway, there's alot i can say but that's all for now ba. bye~~

why i love anime songs

having trouble sleeping early in camp again, i wanted to try and explain why i have such an attachment to anime songs even though i don't listen to it much, don't really go full out on anime, or singers, or seiyuu. but really i have a huge liking for anime songs, and u can actually consider it my hobby haha. the following could be extremely irrelevant so don't read if ur not interested.

so ya for those of u who know my music list, literally all of it is anime songs haha. im not saying i don't appreciate other genres, i like korean songs for catchiness, chinese for songs with good meanings, also love songs with nice bands. but anime songs are all i need to listen to, at least for now. the reason why i like it is quite different from why others like music, i think.

so firstly, i really like jap as a language. it allows u flexibility in conveying the same message, as well as create ambiguity sometimes, which can make convos interesting. plus knowing english and chinese is a huge advantage in learning it, and i can improve or maintain just by watching anime. my aim is to be able to watch anime raw, and be able to appreciate normal jap shows, but that's abit too high lvl haha.

for me, a song takes time to register itself to my memory and liking, and it's usually a combination of reasons. it could be related to why i started the anime, whether i heard the voice before, which episode it came out on, what kind of feels i get before the episode melds into the song haha. op's (opening song) and ed's (ending song) have different reasons why i like them.

don't get me wrong, i don't have that much attachment to every song. some i will really end up forgetting or stop listening to. in fact, i don't listen to anime songs often, not the way people usually do. but they usually come as random thoughts, or i hum/whistle them regularly whenever im in a relaxed mood (travelling, etc).

there's certain things i really like, one is the band/instruments. i love songs with nice percussion as it allows me to lose myself in it. emotion is also very important for the same reason, though too corny i don't like. i also like originality in song, doesn't repeat too expectedly, lyrics too generic, or just seems too overheard. and the voice also matters la of course, but i don't really mind who sings if i have many other reasons to like the song.

but those that really strike a chord with me can really encompass the meaning of the anime, or have very likeable lyrics, comfortable for me to sing, very feelgood or have a very nice tune and instrumentals. for some weird reason, they are not usually the well known singers, and i do not always like their other songs. i do like the more famous songs, but sometimes i can get sick of listening to them.

ok enough explanation le, more than i thought a casual post will have, becoming to rant-like and hard to understand. my very nice song list: (im sure many ppl will question haha)

those i want to try in an anime band:

kimi no shiranai monogatari (bakemonogatari) - amazing but tricky lyrics, my voice not suited, piano skills required not easy

links (railgun) - but no one else might like this song that much haha

this game (no game no life) - probably the one i want to do the most, freaking outstanding everywhere, anime-related song too

songs i like cos i heard them recently:

log horizon op and ed - just different, a bit electronic and related to the anime haha
oration (no game no life) - nice feels, voice feels so shiro-like
equalizer/black bullet (fripside) - i just like her voice haha
most saki songs (esp op of s1 and s2) - cos mahjong, happy mood songs too

feelgood or unique songs:
working (someone else) - duh :P. the ed is catchy also
q&a recital (tonari no kaibutsu-kun) - love the wackiness, just like the anime haha
real world (jinrui) - nice lyrics actually, fun song too
aoi haru (seitokai) - damn catchy, but wtf impossibly fast
dead end (mirai nikki) - omg its english
rpg (c) - can't even remember full anime title, but so nice :D
abnormalize (psycho pass) - no guy i know can sing this
ichiban no takaramono (angel beats) - too pretty a song, great simple lyrics
my soul, your beats (angel beats, lia ver) - great emotion, describes the anime perfectly
ambivalent world (bakemonogatari) - feelgood, and i just don't get bored of it
yasashisa no riyuu (hyouka) - too attached, first anime song did in hostel heheh
railgun ed's - cos i was so pro-railgun once

songs i like even though i din't watch the anime o.o :
the bravery (supercell) - the band's too amazing, too bad i'll nvr be able to perform it, difficult lyrics and instrumentals.
no pain no game (ktboom or something) - dat voice and power
nevereverland (nano) - not even an anime, i can't believe its vocaloid

too much rant-mode le. if u want form band or disagree strongly with me, pls pm haha. that's all for now bye ~~

dat (screwed up) bookout feeling

idk how im supposed to describe this week sia. i feel like i'm in no place to say it is shiong, it is unreasonable, or is it effed up, knowing exactly what other ppl have to tahan. but for me, this week is fking unpredictable, i got caught off guard so many times and got thrown left right center with different situations and emotions, it felt pms like. i think the best way i can describe this week is jibai la haha.

the best way to actually make this readable for anyone, for those ppl i din't chase away with my previous posts, is to go by chronological order. yes i know it will end up fking long lol, if it's sian to read just skip to after the **** (cos bookout day was messed up). but ya, need to get this shit out of my system. i know i feel completely different from how i did last week, but there's still this excitement to blog about it.

so tuesday was a perfectly fine day, interesting signals lesson, a lot of talk cock waiting in the garage, though suddenly the marathon we were supposed to prepare for got thrown 12 hrs later and we had to leave battery line by 4 am the next day. so ya wtf, but sergeant told us is for our welfare. actually its cos a higher up effed up, but anyway its not an extremely bad news, i guess. but maybe it wasn't, since i acquired 2 ic roles for the 3 consecutive days, and this was just technically lol.

so we left for jurong camp at 4. we all gathered at the tonner to leave for jurong camp, and because the morning ride was extremely sian, everyone was half asleep but still need to move things in and out, i tried talking to people, ended up seeming like a super extra wayang person, like the day before. seriously not my intention, i just got carried away and while i knew so much more things, my situational awareness still not there yet.

the first time we sat on a tonner through civi roads and all these new unfamiliar terrain felt rather fresh to me, there was one point i just lost all my sense of direction and wondered why all this knolls looked like cameroon highland's base to me. its pretty impressive just to sit on the tonner and stare as the day got brighter. we got dropped off at the second last water point area, and ya no sergeant was there to teach us what to do, luckily though my 4-men detachment did water duty (twice) the day before

anyway, i thought the tiger trail event, while rainy, could be similar to the adidas event i did before last year, however it was rather unpleasant. being sleep deprived since i stayed up two hours longer, and also breakfast deprived since it rained and no food was delivered till much later, i acquired quite a bad headache. but that was before i watched two episodes of anime together on my friend's phone, which was fun haha.

then it rained, we delayed the run, it stopped, sergeants participated as well and we got busy, then it rained again. logistics-wise it was a disaster and we end up resting field camp style under medic tentage. somehow our lunch got delayed damn long, then suddenly sergeant got like pissed even though we thought we moved fast. sergeant major somehow got pissed also, and we got pt squeezed in plus tekan towards the day end, not much to say. then all of a sudden, with my shag half-sick feeling, i became ajax battery ic. fml i really wasn't ready for it lol, tried to avoid but still became, cos the previous ic was same platoon bmt and a lot of common stories.

start of hell la, i already ic so much shit liao, cos need to a lot of admin. im willing to do it for my bunkmates, cos they all super fun to be with de, so i tank abit of discomfort le, the two days before. but then they had to start a 42 pull-up regime, in sets of 6, spread out 3 times a day. i was always shag throughout the day basically, then had to run here and there to do small errands. so i made alot of minor mistakes, though at least i was the 2 ic for that day.

i really tried my best yesterday to grasp the situation, with my shag headache and shit, so that i won't screw up bookout day, and i tell u that sergeant really damn good at wasting ur time. so i was starting to wise-up, trying to like discuss what i should clarify with sergeants, and what i should not say, cos it annoys them la basically. at least yesterday went smoothly, even though i almost had zero time for myself, doing key ic, dat ic, and platoon ic duties. and yesterday night fking fun, 3 hr admin time, was just shiokkkk, talk cock study session.

**********

today was the most stressful, intense, just apeshit crazy day. i was the ic, i tot i handled things well all the way till lunch. i fked up in the morning cos 42 pullup shag and marching the whole day yesterday makes u stomp with ur pt shoes 1st thing in the morning, but it was damn minor. i tanked a little shit for ppl, but i was willing to do so, since bookout lo, everyone quite good mood. so everything was going pretty smoothly even though that sergeant had a lot of comments.

so basically, 5 km in the morning, a theory test, and that a prac test after lunch was the schedule. there were a fkload of changes in strength today, but i asked ppl and tried to clarify when we had a bit of lax time to roughly understand who was where. until the guy with wheelchair came back. everything started going wrong, standards of marching, confusion, i also got confused sia, especially after two mentally draining activities.

the thing that screwed up everything after that was my detachments extreme bad luck. our prac test dragged 5 hours long, cos we used another garage, but the new transfer guy failed the automated and maintenance prac test. so we seriously delayed our manual test, though at that point it was ok, just sian that our bookout time was just burning to zero.

then our manual test, our gun really screwed up, we had on-the spot maintenance on the first(me) and last (new) guy. at least i knew my shit, even though i made some safety breach (damn minor but supposedly can get confined one), so we knew its machine fault. but when it came to the last guy, we could not fix in the travel lock motor twice, dunno why. third time sergeant had to help us while we all dying of shag-ness and sian-ness supporting the weight. it doesn't help knowing the whole course is waiting for the 5 of us.

the last killer blow was that we (supposedly only sergeants) had to do one auto as a final check for the gun before we can leave, except it became a practice for the 5th guy. then the batteries ran out of power. we had to on the engine to charge power, while the rest were getting knocked down for being sloppy, and we had to off the engine again, cos the sergeant major had something to address everyone. delays just chained non-stop for the whole thing. thankfully, sergeants still joked with me, punish me abit but still fun.

when we march back, everyone had to bring back different things, it was a mess. i was in a mess for sitting down 4 hours also, and everyone was extremely impatient already cos our seemingly early bookout just got throw far out the window. dinner was good, we were just going to finish our delayed area cleaning. then holy fk our time shortened from 30 mins to 3 mins cos of miscomm, we literally crawled out of our rooms while trying to standardize everything.

my bunk got typhooned cos some ppl seriously dint expect it to be so soon. bedsheets got pulled out, slippers got kicked out of the room, lockers were pulled out and stuff. i was bunk ic, so i just felt quite bad for the mess they made. then later, all the sergeants went apeshit bmt mode, even the one who joked and let me relax less than 1hr ago. i had to pull out shit, tear down posters, put someone's helmet next to the dustbin. omg i just felt so damn freakin bad when someone got shouted in the face right in front of me, get their shit thrown.

when the whole thing was over, i went to my room and just broke down. we really tried our hardest to prepare for bookout 1 day before, and this kind of unexpected shit happens. i tried to focus on what to do next, end up i almost forgot to take care of my ownself. fk sia it was a super hopeless feeling. other ppl had to ask me to chill, even though i was already trying to calm myself down. all that build-up of stress really sucks la.

when we did our final packing and assembled downstairs, i finally calmed down, but all the sergeants suddenly reverse mode and ask me to chill, talk to me even though i already stopped crying. fking embarassing and attention drawing, it felt like that, but i was still trying to go at the same pace in the morning even though i could barely keep my face together haha. then sergeants started laxing, empathizing with us, and the final march was damn funny, that my mood just lifted completely haha. especially when i went out the gate and shared a cab with 3 other nice ppl.

i nvr suffered so much emotional stress ever other than 24km, but it made me realise a few things, as weird as it may seem.

firstly, i needed to restrain but also push myself, but i felt i have adapted to situations much better than i ever had before. the bmt me would have got me killed this week haha. i think i got a lot of dislikes at the start of this week, but at the end, alot of ppl actually consoled and helped me perform my duties, knowing that i tank quite a bit of shit for them out of goodwill haha. i seriously have a lot of fun whenever there's non-serious time, even though i'm still talking too much, but now i'm trying to control myself and let them talk to each other more also.

second thing is that it seems like my sergeants are doing exactly what i was trying to aim for during my ns, which is to mature myself. getting all this shit thrown at me and tanking stuff for ppl created a serious mode in me (between shag and angry) that makes me a much faster person (though i still need time to concentrate on what im doing). and i seriously learn how to put in more effort for the fun things. my bookouts now are like double, triple their bmt value. i share stories to my family honestly, as well as put in a lot of effort to fill up my days with friends, because my bookout makes me feel damn fulfilled inside haha.

last thing is the weirdest shit ever. experiencing this week, and abit of everything before has made me fill that army is really the place where u can make all ur mistakes, damn big ones, and still get forgiven for everything. in school, and the future, every relationship decision has a conseq, but when in army, though i made so many mistakes and left embarrassing stuff for almost everyone around me to know, it feels like when tough shit happens, everyone seriously just forgives each other and tahan.

it's like when bookout day comes, shit gets real, but when we go home, we seriously forget everything and leave it for next week. and it's a super good feeling when u leave all the stress from that day behind for just one week to really fully enjoy urself haha. everyone here has went through the same emotions before, and they really don't truly hate us, still give us peace when we bookout at the very least. in the end, one confinement or guard duty here doesn't really mean anything once u get to the gate of the camp haha.

i really hope i don't have to go through the same stress next week or dat screwed up bookout feeling. i had a lot of fun but its still messed up lol. its going to be shag though since i know there's two long runs and a whole week of maintenance. there's mess to clean up, and i still haven't break out the bad news to the whole course, which is that we owe 325 (just take another effing look) pushups just for today. spread across 25 days though, it would make 13 pushups during admin time, at least benefitting everyone for the new IPPT ba.

anyway for now, i really hope to enjoy this bookout as well (shorter liao), and maybe reach a stage where booking in doesn't feel sian for me anymore. that's all for now ba. bye ~~

working ur way from bottom to top really feels different than just being up there haha

seven steps towards intermediate richii mahjong

something i thought about since i couldn't sleep in camp. ridiculously early sleep times that's why. some tiger trail marathon event that made this week more lepak i guess. i felt like making a mahjong guide cos i have tried new styles and put much more thought into it recently, and it has made the game so much more fun to me.

firstly, let me try to explain why ppl play richii mahjong. i can assure u it has more depth than any luck based game i have ever played, and it IS a game u need to think, where skill actually matters. and contrary to popular belief, i don't feel in anyway that such a game is harmful, no u don't bet money, cos there's a point system. and yes it is damn bloody addictive, that's why we meet quite often to play at someone's house. but imo its a good activity to do during army. lets u enjoy a pretty intense game, but catchup with friends at the same time haha.

anyway, this is a mahjong guide assuming ur somewhat ok and know basic jap mahjong theory, how to win fast or what hands are usually easier. its for no one in mind particularly, but i realise there is no guide out there past basic theory, its abit hard to learn other than playing. its mainly for myself, but google might just bring u here (wow), if ur enthu enough and had the right timing.

the first important thing about intermediate mahjong is ur hand is nvr fixed from the start, u can draw any tile even after ishanten (two tiles from winning). upgrading hand values can just occur accidentally, but if u are decisive, anything is possible. nvr throw or decide until u draw ur next tiles. terminals and honours are not useless, they can bring u a quick richii trap that may save u more than 5 rounds, its just up to u to consider the possibilities. shanpon (two dbls), tanki(single wait to form a dbl), even 13 or 79 waits can be very tricky and huge if u ippatsu or tsumo.

secondly, always try to aim for dora. think of this, any tile near a dora means that u may just save so much effort in making ur hand big. always consider what to do if u draw a dora, unless it really cant fit there (eg hon tiles). many games i aim to dbl wait just to attempt getting a dora, only to end up drawing multiple. do not restrict ur hand whenever it comes to dora. in fact it can be so unpleasant to block u (terminal doras, dead walls), that ppl are more likely to feed in ur substantial hands. this kind of hand easily > 3900. a dama can really catch off guard and hurt. just dont make it too obvious unless u have no choice. big hands do not require many wins to deal huge impacts on ur game.

thirdly, ur not the only player in the game, dont just look at ur own hand. observe and learn how to read ppl's throws, what kinds of hands they are building, whether they might have a dora bomb, and even the issues they might face in that hand. a honitsu player that throws a dora could have a high threat hand, or is in tenpai, whereas there are cases where dora is sacrificed for tanyao, and u can tell its a cheapass hand and be braver. u might just get lucky and reverse eff them.

this leads to the fourth important skill. learn how to trap ppl. this is largely dependent on ur own understanding, especially ppl u know. it is possible to predict priorities of certain patterns. easy ones are honitsu and tanyao, followed by dora or yakuhai, whether concealed or not may display peculiar patterns. it is up to u to empathize with those players by ur own knowledge of how to win those hands fast, and what tiles are thrown key phrase just before tenpai. a trap can work either by fast non similar suits or terminals that other hands usually discard, while a slow and big trap could be a dora or yakuhai of a certain inconvenience. learn how to mark certain ppl when u want to improve ur own speed and value. dare to challenge a bad richii and u might just win big.

the fifth skill is also relevant to the previous one. learning to adapt ur hand to another. the most common thing is when ppl play honitsu, or if dora tiles are in the middle, u can expect ppl to aim towards certain targets to build deadly hands. u need to modify ur hand in two ways. consider that they are hogging all ur tiles, honitsu means u are unlikely to get middle tiles of a suit, so it maybe wise to get rid of deadweight as well as risky lategame throws. also look out for open hands, they really are quite limited in style. the second thing is learning how to bail these hands. bailing is not easy, a good bailer is ready 3 turns before anyone dangerous can tenpai, so they lose so much less. sometimes u got to learn how to fk care bail, if u know u cant tenpai, however it is also perfectly logical to drop ur tenpai hands value by half in order to avoid dangerous threats and set up good traps.

the sixth skill (so many already), nvr underestimate dealers, they can play either damn fast or very cunningly. either way, its very dangerous to challenge a dealer, only unless u can read his hand perfectly by the circumstances that has occurred (thrown tiles, furiten like discards). dealers like to use yakuhai, but u shud nvr forget to consider a good dama or shanpon. heck even richiis may not make sense, and u do not want to feed in a dealer tanki. always put more consideration into the threat a dealer poses.

the previous point was actually damn important even though i tried to rank by importance. anyway, the last point is a minor but also very good point. sometimes its important to just have faith. a richii can always have unexpected results. while good shape pushes u to pinfu, why cant u use any other kind of fked up wait? low chance but high reward works in low risk games. winning chance is important, but if u win ippatsu tsumos or aim kan ura dora, u can just turn ur whole game around. also just try yakumans and rare yakus. its more thrilling and makes the game more fun for everyone. going for unexpectedly fast hands may just work sometimes to keep ur dealer and break dangerous hands to get the whole table swearing at u haha. and being yolo may just work cos u dont play logically haha. feeding is not always bad if u had the potential to change ur whole game. some things are worth trying. just try to understand what risks u are taking whenever u take any move

most importantly, since i only roughly captured the essence of intermediate mahjong, just experiment and enjoy. its dumb to just play mahjong one way. learn from others as they just seem so good at certain things. i know i have emulated others but built my very own logically inclined style. trying new styles might make u lose more, but u pickup new tricks that will eventually make u more flexible. mahjong is abt luck yes, but deception, skill, and sheer blind faith might just make u proer than others haha. anyway, enjoy ~~ :)

eyes being opened too wide

what on earth is happening this few days?? i feel like my eyes are being stretched too far wide for my eyes. i feel like im learning so much about other ppl that it dulls my life, yet at the same time i realise i have come so far with just those very few ppl i know well, and im actually quite amazed i got to experience all this. i want to do more for them, now that their birthdays are coming, and make more memories.

what is happening? suddenly im so interested in ppl i know just moderately ok, and all of a sudden im so much more concerned about the ppl i know and i feel so curious as to what is going on with their life now (maybe mostly cos they are thrown all over army), how they feel, what they think. am i becoming autistic lol?

idk what in the world is happening to me now, but im curious to know more and yet i don't want to stretch too far, to be unable to handle what's near me, now that they seem more important to me already. im not very sure what to think, i like to tell so much to ppl i just haven't met for a few weeks, i don't know whether they find it weird, whether i changed a lot or what ppl generally view me. why they bother to jio me at all, im not very clear anymore haha.

its the army. or maybe its more than that, its life as a whole. my mind is being evolved, i feel like i just jumped out of a frog's well and ended up in an ocean, but yet i won't shout this all out to everyone yet cos its so odd. someone save me sia. i want to keep my old life and yet transform my new life haha. maybe i need someone to calm me down with all this lol.

i know this must be one of the weirdest posts i've made, not going to tag it like usual. ok that's about all for now. bye~~

trying to quell this weird anticipation im feeling so strongly

shocking new revelation

so ya i have a very shocking revelation to make, especially for the ppl who know me, but before that, i want to re introduce a few things.

so over the past 2 months, the ppl i know and ppl who know me have probably tripled. my definition of know is quite different, cos these are ppl that i spent substantial time with or at least enough to cross that line of stranger.

ya im not joking, its abt triple now. but that's not the shocking revelation. its probably common for nsmen. but for me its a huge makeover for the ppl i know now. so im like going to reintroduce myself.

im kind of a jc kid, in army terms, but that's not really true. my sch is quite different in the sense that its 6 years, small cohort, and i dint have to take a levels. so i had quite an easy life, even though acads were conceptually hard. im not as smart as u think, in fact ppl who know me know im a blur cock, and in army im still a kanchiong spider, always panicking. its not so bad now, and im given a chance (thankfully) to start anew and i feel like im quite well off now. im glad i ended up as a men in arty, mentioned in my previous post.

but anyway, my point is that before these two months, im the low profile guy (except internally quite known for being blur). my first true friends i made in sec 3, where i started trying to fit in since i dint really had friends before. and these are ppl i have stuck with for all the way till now, through hostel and many memories.

my point is that till before army i only had 10-20 friends past the good friends line, and they are like super impt to me since they are essentially my first few true friends (not technically but ya).

so the whole point of saying this is only those ppl who know me know of this site, so i write as if im talking to them (or u basically). if ur here at this point of time, ur either them, or u somehow found the super few links that exist here.

idk what interested any good stalking to come here, since im not active on social media and not the kind to promote my blog or aim for many hits and likes. i don't insta la basically, but i do abit of stalking nowadays cos there's a lotttt of interesting ppl ive met. even my sergeants im curious as to how they've changed.

anyway, i will try to talk like before, but my mentality has did a 3600 degree already. compared to my first post i have come a longggg way. don't read it i find it freaking embarrassing now. alot of my previous post also make me sound like a retard haha. yes im embarassed abt the plenty of unglamorous stuff i did before, but i think im relatively guai ah, still haven't done things like partying clubbing or drinking that kind. quite an excessive but amateur gamer. like to watch anime and running man too haha.

if u haven't met me in a long time, im much more talkative now, only around ppl im comfortable with though. in army i learnt how to get familiar with ppl, and i know how to not alienate ppl, if the conditions are right. like i said, im a kanchiong spider so i make mistakes like nobody's business, like i take something in a rush and leave another thing there. that's essentially how my bmt went lol.

but ya i have changed from being awkward to even speak up to now being able to ask all sorts of questions, even the seemingly obvious and stupid one's i dare to ask alr. but im not an attention seeker, i don't really like to stand out externally, just trying to be friendly with ppl im close or comfortable with.

idk what started the change, but it was an important adaptation cos it help me speak out and get my shit together. im somehow gained the confidence to open up to ppl, and i guess having stories to tell and knowledge to share helps a lot in becoming more interesting. i like to think that from being a teenager, im always trying to improve myself to become a more likeable and fun-loving person, though i was slightly outcasted last time because im not a nice person to be in a team with (due to all the screwups), but just someone nice to talk to.

i kind of know my purpose in ns now, which is to become like my parent's essentially. its a very good opportunity in ns since its two years, and even if im just a men, there is time to get my shit together, be more capable, stop running away from problems, and learn how to solve and handle basic things. i kind of want to keep my personality though, it has made me very good friends so far.

ok enough chatterboxing. the shocking revelation is that, i go to church now. for those who know me, u must be going "Holy fkkk!!", or maybe it dint surprise u at all. im not saying im atheist before, or im all holy and religious now, its a slow thing. but its fun i got to admit. and im no longer afraid to say i go church now lest people judge me. there's a lot of justification to it.

anyway, it started with me helping my section mate do his bic, cos they needed another person to do twice. it wasn't supposed to be me at first, but i took it for him anyway, since i found the experience interesting even though it was shagggg. long story short it ended up with him introducing me to church, which i at that point considered as a outing, an activity i never tried before.

it ended up with me crying on the first preaching. it was more serious of a lesson that day. i cried cos all my life i have felt the issue of not being confident enough to put myself in the middle, always restraining myself because i felt inferior to the rest. very true in bmt, i always felt that stress in me, long before. except in front of those 10+ close friends i made in high school.

i felt the healing effect of crying it out and daring to show weakness in front of everybody. it was a holy place after all, one where u bare ur soul and try not to feel ashamed. and then i made a decision to convert. actually it was more of accept, and of cos i dint have an actual clear concept of what i was doing yet, just a kind of commitment to this interesting experience and i will try it again.

today is just the second time i came, and at first i was still not very sure if church is the thing for me, but today was a great session, seriously. its like god has some invisible eyes and the timing of the lesson was exactly what i was reflecting about how i've changed. it does feel like something is done to ur soul, like opening u up and making u feel more accepted and willing to share weakness.

ok this must be pretty cheesy to my sceptical-about religion friends. pls don't judge me, i won't try to pull u in either. but it is a especially good source of motivation to nsmen. u need some purpose and also for me it gave me a bit more confidence, which i really needed, and helped me start anew on a good note. and i do feel freaking lucky to end up in arty, it really suits me i think.

i know i might have adapted anywhere, but nvr before had i have such a concrete idea of why i needed to serve ns and what i shud try to achieve, and if i think abt it, its actually quite miraculous. its not hard to believe i was blessed with such compatibility in my unit and now i actually hope i can do well and have fun in ns. it is so much more bearable than bmt. the experiences i've had to this point feels pre-planned, so of cos im slowly starting to believe that holy crap, something is actually helping me shape my life well haha.

i seriously wont pull u in, tbh im still not fully convinced god exists, i don't get all those visions yet. but i have accepted that something wondrous is happening and its helping me grow into the adult i want to be. and its seriously relatable to ns. like how ns feels like a place for me to become the adult, and suddenly my path is clearer like nvr before. like all i need to do is follow and have faith it will bring me to my dream life.

i have a concrete goal that i have never had before, and i just feel like sharing it. im slowly changing, now i have a few more ppl to whatsapp to and tell ppl things i have never tried saying before. its fun and good, that's why im sharing it.

so ya, im supposed to believe i have a destiny, and i will surely achieve my dream, just need to believe im perfect for my destiny, i will achieve it no matter what happens, and my future is bright. its such a good thing to believe in right? gives me assurance that i will succeed. like how running a 10:34 has made me feel like i have no probs with running. im a light, agile person that can become quite strong. and how surviving 24km and kestrel makes me believe anything less harder i will be able to bear it. its like a lifesaver attitude for ns, which is supposedly hated by many. 

i feel im lucky, and i hope i can achieve my dream in the future, together with all this nice ppl who bothered to help me understand this. so much change in 2 months. how to not believe im being blessed u tell me lol.

but guys don't worry im still the same old dion u can bully and joke with. i hope this doesn't change my past friendships but i hope to make new good friends too. life is going quite well if u ask me. i hope i improve la basically.

ok la that's alot of important info i just shared. like really quite personal inner thoughts. that's all for now. i've really become a chatterbox haha. anyway, bye~~. maybe this blog will spring to life again and more ppl may come closer to me enough to find this page haha. i won't advertise abt it don't worry. not that shameless. yet. haha

1st week in arty

so im back in action after almost 1 week of unbearable sickness (during block leave somemore wtf), i think it might have been a borderline dengue case or maybe really just fatigue from 24km march (probably the singlemost hardest but feelgood thing in my life). but anyway that's over, got posted to 21 Singapore Artillery and resume NS life. i'm really lucky i guess, it's a very suitable place for me imo (maybe armour would have been more fun).

anyway, the 1st week in a unit is always quite different from what one will expect. i guess i found out alot of new things about how army is like. bmt is like a frog's well, i dint know shit in there, and its kinda secluded by itself there. but now u have friends everywhere, and also section mates, who know other section mates and stuff. its like a network of alot of knowledge about what other ppl do, and u end up getting a much better understanding of the whole army in general.

by the way, im now an arty operator, taking a 2 months course where i will learn how to drive and load ammo. its abit hectic for now (though nothing compared to chiong sua infantry like jookee). no more route march and infanteering for ns liao woohooo :DD. at the start i did feel slightly disappointed for not making scs and i will not be able to do alot of things as well as receive the recruit life more. but now i feel like its a good thing to be a men (more suited for my personality). also, i will get my LCP rank soon i think, cos my course is short-er(compared to so many others, but its still a fkload of information overload), and my fitness is medium to good in this unit. so awwwyeaahhhhh LCP haha.

there's alot of improvement to life, time efficiency and stuff, but at the same time, certain things are more focused. in my unit, marching and stand by bed and basically soldier discipline really must be sui sui, they dont let u off for it. but at the same time punishment is much more bearable, its really just push-ups and stuff meant to make u more buff, and they dont scold u like they do in bmt (or maybe just kestrel). but i have to thank kestrel for a bmt that changed my mind to be able to take any sort of scolding and still be able to smile lolol. it was fun there.

i kinda like our sergeants, we really have to work with them closely liao, they are kinda like our seniors who take responsibility if we screw up, but really, when we do anything with the tank gun (i must call it a gun, and i got knocked down 60 times already for calling it the wrong thing), sometimes we support the same heavy part while others move certain things, so ya, they will become our good seniors (kind of abit like in anime).

anywayyy i digress. its not the kind of lepak life u might expect, there's 5km runs very often now, and also a much more vigorous pt than i expected (still less shaggg than bmt for now) but it is very much more bearable. the rnd (regimentation and discipline) is quite a pain in the ass, but unlike bmt, u have a LOT of time here to slowly improve. definitely much less stress in the mind. i kinda eff-up much less now, thanks to kestrel, but as always im the blur cock there. but i manage to do my stuff properly liao, just still a kanchiong spider when problems arise.

it takes quite a bit of self control to do my stuff properly, which im kind of more motivated to be now. here the sergeant major at first impression seems like an annoying person who will give u alot of trouble, but in actual fact the more i hear him talk to us, the more i like him. they encourage us to be honest here (not lie in bmt straight to the face im not shag, im not sleepy etc.), and he really talks like he knows exactly how we feel. and there's a culture of encouragement here, even though we don't perform half as well physically like in bmt.

i think i can talk on forever, at least for this month, about all the new stuff that changed this week. but its a very suitable place for me. lessons in garage (6-8 hrs everyday), its sian yes, but i learn alot of things about a car this week (engine, cooling system, track and suspension). its a bit like engineering lessons in a garage in army. alot of ppl sleep yes, but they let u stand up, eat sweets, basically u feel like the sergeants allow u to feel these things cos they gone through the same thing. its a very strong source of motivation, cos u feel like they understand u. just don't effing sleep, the whole group will knock it down la. (understandable though)

i feel like i use a lot more thinking here, plus the ppl here are nicer (maybe just my bunk). group is smaller, but they are all quite similar to me, quite chill on the inside, fitness so-so, all gamers (even the sergeant haha), some jokers also. very friendly easygoing ppl de. at first we were all totally quiet at night, but now we keep talking about interests and stuff. it seems like its going to be a very fun place la. which is like the number 1 thing i was looking for. lessons are interesting (to me at least), i hope to be proficient in everything related to it.

the shit here is damn damn heavy though, and im going to have alot of problems. in essence the SSPH1 (s'pore self-propelled howitzer, sounds cool, no?) is a very accurate cannon that is able to move, so its offensive by nature. but in essence its a gigantic gun mounted on a tank. that's why i made mistake call it tank 3 times liao, the only guy to get caught some more lol. maybe cos im quite active in lesson, i find it fun to learn, but i get knockdown for asking questions o.o.

anyway, the thing is freaking big, probably one of the biggest tank-like vehicles for NSF to handle. its as big as a tonner la, but the parts are aluminium coated steel, and its 14 tons (tonner is about 6). and fk, every small panel is like 10kg, access doors and parts can go up to 200kg to a few tons. its freaking easy to kiap ur finger or hand if u drop anything, if anything hits ur head ur kinda fked. and i cant even do the signal set properly lol (thank goodness its a sergeant role), but its still gonna be tough on me.

i think i'll do well on theory and maintenance though. i kinda the most tolerant to feeling disgusted by grease and stuff. i dont mind getting dirty, i actually find it cool u need like 4 ppl to do everything, cos really there's a sense of teamwork in everything. i want to learn how to drive soon yea. 165cm driving a 14 kg vehicle siol. the freaking ammo (some gigantic bullet with 900 times more base area than our rifle bullet) is 42 fking kg, and we have to do obstacle course with it. hong gan liao lor lolol.

anyway, i will speak forever if u let me carry on, but i get the feeling i will enjoy and remember the next 2 months of course time, and after that life will be much more comfortable heheh. im damn lucky to be posted to arty imo, ppl are nice and stuff. they said u need a goal to serve, and i kinda have something forming in my mind liao. u know how the csm always seems so mature and stuff? they feel very adult-ish to me, so my goal is to kinda transform to an adult within this 2 years.

of course i want to keep my fun-loving nature, i also want to keep my goal of having some dream job related to virtual reality (which is showing up a LOT within this past few months). i kinda want to build a almost fully immersive virtual reality system (or at least be part of a team doing that, my dream job), though it feels like going at my rate of being quite lazy, i might not do as well in uni as i thought.

its like a minor mid-life crisis also, so ya i hope army can turn me into like my parents la. able to endure shit and carry on doing something, don't like avoid doing stuff just cos i hate it (which i still do quite often), and become like my parents basically, be in charge of a bit, have some dream job, which i really starting to have ideas about already. they said don't waste 2 years in army la, so i hope i can achieve that.

so what if i'm just a lowly men man? (no pun intended). just do my shit properly, be an expert in gun matters, and take away alot from NS. i mean i still feel sian about that place la, but there's alot to take away (except being anal in rnd, its quite a bitch). have fun in army, and in uni also, and get that dream job. i really want it heh.

k la so damn long post, time to stop le. bye~~

24 clicks to POP

finally passed out today. actually i passed out two times, one during the morning after that super tiring march, then another time when i reached home lol.

anyway, if u asked me just casually how army is like, especially since ppl know im from kestrel, i can't really describe it. fun? shiong? its kinda a mix of both, but actually that's still not a very good way to describe how it was like for me.

the last time i blogged, i was pretty demoralised about coping with army cos my physical was so bad i took atten c twice in the first 3 weeks. but after tanking through field camp and many different activities that everyone was like struggling through, slowly i realised that actually i was able to march and do the same stuff after all, just that i was complaining too much. IPPT and SOC that one if ur not fit cant do very well la, but for the rest, it really is up to ur own mind and perseverance.

anyway, after field camp, there were actually many fun times among the shit we had to do and endure through. i feel like my platoon is quite fun to be in, and that our batch probably was one of the most entertaining ones in kestrel history haha. we made lots of effed up songs, imitate the commanders during OC night, and did lots of guai lan stuff la. though its probably very difficult to explain the jokes to anyone else not in the coy.

as for kestrel being shiong, yes it is, but then when i look at some things other companies do, i feel like maybe we're not that shiong after all, even though ppl from other coys tell us that we are. maybe we got brainwashed or something, tekan so much until don't even know we are getting tekan. but to be honest though, i probably din't have a very hard time in kestrel after all. i can safely say that all the other kestrel warriors really have their standard up there. i guess i did put in a lot of effort, as compared to like my whole life before, though i probably din't work half as hard as so many others in my section. 

my section is quite ok la. they covered my ass many times, are quite highly motivated also. but i feel like it wasn't as fun as the other sections in my platoon, maybe that's why i enjoyed interacting with ppl outside my section, sometimes outside my platoon also. it has always been like that though, same like in school. im quite a troublesome person, so maybe the less ppl are forced to do stuff with me, the better i can talk to them

yea i caused quite alot of problems for my section, such that at some point whenever i said something slightly weird (im not good at phrasing my ideas), i get alot of disagreeing comments and stuff, abit like how we usually speak to hema lol. yea maybe i was the hema of my section

at some point i did some funny things, so i usually wasn't excluded from the fun stuff, just that ppl dont talk to me as often as the others. its kind of like fun and not fun at the same time haha. mostly ppl din't dislike me cos of my personality, but mostly cos i was blur, screwed up shit, and said things in weird ways. so slowly i got accepted, even though they still treat me like a hema haha. 

towards the end, almost everyday something epic or retarded would happen in the coy. recruits night, oc night and all that was quite fun. and everyone started being more lax and finally talking more openly. it felt very very similar feeling to how school was like before we graduated, and then we all just start making all sorts of retarded jokes and pulling retarded stunts. yea i still do my super cold jokes in army. the reaction of everyone is still the same haha.

then finally came the route march. it was fking, fking tough for me, even though i slowly got better at march. i was quite optimistic at first, but it wasn't like the same old marches before where we can laugh and sing, be shag at the end, but sleep well on a bed at the end of the day. this march started off nice, with like changing scenery, then slowly it began to drag, and u feel like u suffered alot even though it was just 3km at a time.

din't sing much for this route march, but at least thankfully there were ppl talking around me, cos i wasn't very keen on talking when my shoulder felt like something was pressing in. but we tahan the pain for awhile, it went away, and just left a dull numbing ache that seemed to amplify just before we reach our rest point. many times i got annoyed and thought it was impossible that we haven't hit 3km yet, that they cheated us of the actual distance we had to march (even though now that i think about it, they have no point in making us suffer).

the changi road was quite bad. it was featureless and dragged on for so long, but at least i still had my energy and i din't feel so demoralised. then came the whole stretch of ecp, where we just slowly marched from area G all the way to the end of area B, and damn that one felt so long and tiring. we couldn't even go to the toilet sometimes cos the queue was so long, and the rest never felt enough. lastly, was the marina stretch. it was where all the pain came in, all the irritation in everyone started to come out, but because we could see the flyer slowly becoming bigger, we all had the mentality to just tahan, and tried to throw in one or two effed up songs that gave us abit more energy.

the most shiok part was when we reaced the highway of rochor road, the moon was damn pretty, the flyer and everything was damn pretty. and we could see the platform just directly ahead and below of us. i was kinda limping by then, cos my left leg was feeling quite weak. then we reached and had like very little time to eat and prepare our stuff before we have to move off again, right under the platform. there everyone just crashed cos it was so uncomfortable and tired.

when i woke up, the sky was suddenly much brighter, and then suddenly there's this POP energy u could see in everyone. there was quite alot of hype, and this parade was so different from the 7 rehearsals we did in tekong. then when it was time to throw the cap, i almost couldn't believe that i made it to that point, that i can actually throw my cap for real now. it felt really amazing to get to throw the cap haha. and that my BMT is now complete.

its a little bit sad to go though, even though i won't really miss my section as much as they would miss each other. but still, there were many fun times and i also quite liked our commanders, they were very interesting ppl after all. but of cos when there's one week of block leave in front of you, you'll just think that eff yea, time to celebrate haha. idrc what kind of posting i get next friday, but i feel quite proud that i completed BMT and it'll be quite a memorable thing for me to talk abou in years to come.

three weeks in army

i probably set a few records in my three weeks in army. maybe my body's too weak or something, but i got a 3-day light duty, and 2 attend C (aka MC, rest at home) in just this 3 weeks. i don't even know if my body is trying to keng or not, but it doesn't feel like i intentionally did it

when i first entered, i was somewhat excited actually. got shaved, screamed at quite alot in the first 3 days for being too slow, tekan-ed quite alot too, but it was somewhat different and entertaining in a sense. i found that my section and platoon mates were friendly, even though i ended up in kestrel, which was like damn shiong or something. 

at first it din't feel like it was a shiong company, we had admin time, time to rest and stuff. so the first week went by without much problems, mostly introductions to many new activities, and we bookout just six days in. damn shiok cos i managed to shop and go to huang's house to play mahjong, then relax abit in just that one day, so our confinement period ended up being shorter as well.

thought everything was going fine, even tried to be platoon ic, cos it looked like quite a fun thing to do (cos the previous platoon ic was a joker, but yet a good one). basically give simple marching commands, and reporting strength (which was quite a hassle, cos alot of status-es started coming in). fked up alot, but thought that it might help me make less mistakes in the long run. i became somewhat of a burden though, cos i was blur, forgetful, even if i din't forget certain things ppl still thought to remind me anyway. 

and training started going full blast. it was quite tough, but i cheated quite abit in order to cope, otherwise i'll be too shag for the other activities. but i still felt like i was getting trained, water parade seems easier now, so were pull-ups.

then suddenly alot of ppl started coughing and shyt. everytime we were in the lecture hall, at certain moments suddenly alot of ppl start coughing at the same time that it makes u go 'wtf'. i thought was a psychological thing or what, until one or two of my section mates got it too.

then just last last sunday, i got a headache that probably started from soc, probably not used to wearing the helmet or it restricted my blood flow or something. then i still stupidly went for ippt skills training, which made it worse, especially the shuttle run section. even with the 1.5 hours of learnet time (aka sleep time), my headache din't go away, so i skipped the last activity (cadence run, which was supposedly quite lepak), since everyone told me just report sick to be safe.

the stupid thing is my headache seemed to cure just waiting for my turn to go mo. and then i got 3 days light duty (LD) cos of that. i was like crap, that's damn dumb. plus my sergeant told me before i reported sick that it was all in my head, so it made me regret reporting sick. but that's where all the crap started.

either it was that i really had something on that sunday, but i just dint feel it for the next two days during my LD. i thought that there was nothing wrong with me, so went to do all the saikang and stuff, being bored and all. or maybe its cos being with the statuses spread the 'tekong cough' to me. 

on the morning when i was finally able to resume training, then i suddenly felt that my mind was a bit groggy. i thought was normal, since we always wake up so early. realise i had phlegm in my throat as well, wasn't that much the day before. my temp after first water parade was 37.6, but i din't report sick, since i din't want to miss training again, i lost two practice sessions of SOC cos of my 3 day LD.

first activity that day was ability group run (AGR), and my temp has gone close to 38 just before the exercise. i showed my buddy, but still din't report sick. i even asked one of my section mate who did BMT before whether i should keng abit, do the shorter 17 min run, but he told me if it's bearable then just tahan ba, the training is good for me. so yea lor i did the run.

it felt quite ok during the whole run actually, abit of headache, but it was milder than expected, stitch came once but i resisted it too, maybe my pain tolerance increased. but actually looking back now, it was probably cos of adrenaline. i managed to complete the 20 min run, and tbh the pace was pretty slow, i could probably tank it normally before even entering army. then there was a lecture after that, which i tot was great since there was rest time. i felt quite ok, since i manage to tank through a run even with headache.

things started getting worse from there though. i slept a lot during the lecture, since i looked so shag like i was going to die, headache started to come back also. then i barely could eat anything during lunch. next time i took my temp it was 38.5. the head thermometer they used showed 38.9. so i suffered quite abit in the mo, waiting for so long, and then only went in for like half a minute before they gave me 6 types of medicines wtf, and also attC (which was just 1 day before bookout day. that sucks la of cos)

for the next 4 days, i was almost always in my room, maybe went out to see doctor or eat breakfast. i din't follow the western course of medicine since i kinda doubted that it was proper if they suddenly gave 6 types. ended up eating chinese medicine cos my mom feels like it will cure to root cause of my sickness, and i was also given like 6 types, but it wasn't very effective either, fever dropped for awhile then go back up to 38 again. 

i was bored since i spent so much time sleeping so i burn some time using comp or my phone, but i din't feel very good after that, so i end up sleeping again. anyway, in that 4 days, my cough developed and i suffered quite a lot. on sunday my temp dropped to 37 range, but when i went back, i did not manage to sweat at all, my body just kept heating up, my boots felt like there were heat packs inside. 

i din't feel extremely uncomfortable or anything, just knew that my body was very warm. and my section mates kept asking me if i was ok. but my temp went from 38.0 during last parade to 38.5, and finally 39.3 in the mo. i was like 'fk, im so screwed'. got attC on the same day i went in and waited for 40+ mins for the last ferry, was very terrible, i suffered quite alot.

i think yesterday my temp was never below 38, but i finally went to see western doc to confirm the medicine the mo gave me, turns out they gave quite good ones, so i finally started treatment. was like shyt man, cos i coughed up so much phlegm, when it doesn't come out it feels quite pain. my head was also permanently warm and i felt quite groggy, but i tried air-con treatment, which worked a little. 

but finally, today when i woke up, i din't feel like there were tons of phlegm hidden in my throat, or my head burning or very groggy, which usually was the case since the medicine effects often wore off at night. did a morning walk, it has been like 5 days of me lying down in the bed all the time, after feeling like i would never recover. it felt quite different la, abit like a rehab from not doing anything for so long, walking abt 800m to the park, doing the 'elderly gym' on the playground for abit to sweat out, then walked to loyang point to buy stuff and come back.

i might be able to recover by the end of today i hope, but i still don't feel like my body is back to normal. there's like a bit of weakness here and there, a bit of a numb feeling on my head and stuff. and i need to return to army tmr morning, and probably have to take tmr easy as well, definitely not in the shape to resume training immediately.

but after my illness, i know not to stupidly push myself now, since my body really like paper like that, tank a bit become real illness. but im also like 'how bad can it get' from here. i'm one third through bmt, probably lost all my ambition to become an officer (i'd probably become a burden anyway), but i hope i can cope through the remainder of training and see where i get posted to ba. scs would mean another 6 months of being treated like shyt, but it'll probably be more satisfying as well i guess.

at the very least i hope that from now i won't fall sick again, or be some huge ass burden to my section and platoon. i troubled my section mates and family more than enough already. maybe i'll get stronger both physically and mentally in this next few weeks. and just looking forward to pop ba.

the day before army

right about now jookee and png should have reached tekong, maybe about to get shaved le. i do feel abit excited and nervous since its just the day before, but nevertheless i'm still living life like there wasn't any army tmr, still watching videos and playing games late into the night. i ... woke up at 11 today, so maybe i'm really in trouble hohoho.

i think its cos i go out almost every week since the first batch of guys went to army, until i heard about almost everything they had to say already, all the funny stuff, and advices. my mind probably has been prepared for this for a looong time, but still it feels like my current life will suddenly end today, after a day of slacking, and then it'll be very different for the next two years.

for a while i have not worked, and i feel like i digressed a bit in being a proper person lol, got a bit too lazy and stuff, so ya when i look at army it seems like a lot of benefits. a change in pace, something that will make me a bit more disciplined, and maybe i might actually come to like it, for all i know. i don't have any goal to be an officer or anything, just clear bmt and see where it leads me, but anything can happen haha.

but most probably it'll be sian. very very sian. it's not that i'm not used to sian, but i can't imagine what my mind will be doing if i'm required to stand for 30 mins doing nothing. ok la at least better than me slouching over at my chair the whole day in front of the comp lol.

anyway, other than feeling nothing much about tomorrow, i feel like i have been pretty lucky recently. my work ended, hanged out quite a bit too. other than the regular mahjong, i went to an escape room, which was pretty damn damn damn fun haha, since it was creepy but thrilling. then there was many bbqs, i like the one at bradley's house, cos of the retarded charades haha. commando go 'rawr' for tiger just cracked everyone up.

i kinda got a scholarship for smu heh. i din't really tell many ppl bout this, but holy i seriously din't expect it, full tuition fee covered, 5k per year, 1 free laptop and 1 free overseas trip. i know alot of ppl din't expect me to select smu, since to most ppl from our sch it seems like a weird choice. but i kinda went to the open house, and the students there really impressed me, and the whole vibe i get is IT is more fun here than either nus or ntu. 

yea even my interest in IT only started this year, after i tried programming again for fun since i was too free and should learn something. maybe cos of my job too, i felt it was cool to use command prompt and reformat computers (dk whats wrong with me lol). anyway, i'm really lucky and satisfied haha. maybe cos i'm not trying overseas or anything (have no idea where to go). but really my results aren't that outstanding, pretty sure many other ppl would be able to get better offers than me.

ok la i'm packed for army tmr, though today doesn't really feel different. maybe i shall try my best to sleep earlier tonight, cos the next day will be bam. oh ya next time u guys see me, i'll be hairless lol. i get the feeling i'll be laughed at alot heh. and maybe after u won't see me for the next 2 months (chaining of confinement lol).

i hope i don't get punished to much, hope to get along well with my section. maybe i might meet chee or huang haha. good luck to me tmr heheh. k that's all for now bye~~

off to another trip

hi, it's been pretty long since i last posted heh :P, since nothing really major has occurred for the past two months. leaving for taiwan tmr night already, and i'm kinda here cos i gave up halfway on packing lol. though i'll probably left and come back before anyone would read this haha. going to buy lots of taiwan snacks if possible, cos i got da moneh >D.

anyway, so far work has been okay-ish. updating computers, installing programs, troubleshooting simple things, pretty slack job :D. there was a period i disliked it, cos i felt like it was pretty meaningless, then another period where i liked it cos i felt very useful to all the schools i went to that week, and now i'm like meh, let's just update all this fast, then i can slack until something crops up.

ever since graduating life has been quite okay, i kinda miss talking with familiar people like it was back in school. its nice that i get to change environment every day, but its also a little bit lonely cos even though i can chat with the ppl at school, eat with them, joke around abit, i'm still much younger than them in both age and experience, and won't really be involved that much after all.

anyway, the guys have been in army for quite a while now, in fact most ppl are POP-ing two weeks later, which would be quite a good time for another big outing haha. for the past few weeks, me, wong, chee, pin, junwei, jookee and kian wee (not everyone all the time) have been regularly meeting up, mostly to play mahjong, eat fast food and chat abit haha. also played futsal last week. in the end i always go, cos it provides with the missing interaction that i used to have in school but am lacking now heh.

anyway, these days i've watched quite a lot of anime and also running man. the episodes from 140 episodes are all freaking amazing haha, makes me burst out laughing while slacking in school sometimes lol, though i don't really get to rant about it to anyone already haha. i'm going through anime pretty fast these days too, due to all the transport time, though nowhere nearly as fast as wong.

kinda gave up trying to learn more jap already, which i was when i first started working. also picked up introductory java (my mum gave me some pracs), which was quite fun la, but then after i cleared it, don't feel like picking up android le, cos looks compicated >.<. so these days i really just passing days doing nothing lolol, even though im going to enter army soon >.<. but i guess i'll just go with the flow since i'm not really thinking about anything far beyond the present heh

i feel a little sian that its going to be my turn to enter army soon, going to lose all my free time, and also have to keep my brain from getting bored. but at the same time, a part of me also wants to go in there, since it'll be something different again, and i'm getting a little bit bored, since i'm not being very constructive these days anyway. hope it gets rid of my unhealthy lack of sleep lifestyle, and also wasting time doing random stuff haha. just wish that i wouldn't get into trouble... i might not get to see anyone for the first month after i go in lol.

ok la that's it for now. i really have nothing much to write about these days. probably will have a few more posts, then i predict this blog will really die once i become regular in army haha. kk bye ~~

working!

sup! haven't been here for quite awhile, but loaddsss of things have happened by then. from back then, i said i wanted to work in starbucks, maybe cos i got influenced by working! haha. its a damn funny anime btw. but in the end, i went through many different things before finally getting the one i have now.

don't want to sound like i have a lot of working experience, cos im the one who has worked for the shortest time among everyone else, but during this time i came to learn lots of things. this post is extremely wordy and may seem very rant-like, but anyway after all this, i kinda appreciate what happened.

the first job i tried for was swensens, which at that time sounded like a fun job. anyway, due to my nervousness since it was my first try in getting a job, i guess i screwed up the 'interview' (just a chat with the manager), cos i was abit too eager to accept things, and din't really ask any questions at all. so they din't call back, even though they said they would call. i guess that's quite a polite way of rejecting lol.

so i tried doing applying for a data entry job at some department in cisco building (cos my uncle told them to consider my resume). which turned out they din't have a data entry job for me after all. so the guy tried to sway me in picking up the other temp jobs they need to fill (very common during festive periods). but that's just another name for saigang la.

the guy spent quite awhile trying to persuade me, and helping me find a location near my area. since i haven't started work yet, and getting a lot of nagging from my mom (she doesn't say it directly, but she kept picking on me obviously cos i haven't found a job). so ya i took the offer, some sort of promoter job. tried to clarify what i'll be doing, but turns out it was quite different from expected.

when i just started, the first two hours i was standing there, not knowing what i was supposed to do. all the person in the supermarket told me was to just try to sell the yeo's drinks, and then went off to do their own thing. at first i was kinda lost, and extremely, extremely bored, cos i was seriously getting paid for doing almost nothing except standing at the section with the yeo's drink. and the other promoters were either slacking or doing i dunno what, but it probably wasn't anything constructive lol.

so i guess i tried my best to waste time until dinner, which was 4 hours of horrible boredom, and after that finally feeling a little bit better, suddenly the guy at the supermarket told me to help in some sort of sale, where they go to the front side near the shop to sell stuff discounted.

was quite interesting actually lol. mostly i was putting 24-drink cartons into plastic bags and collecting money and stuff. saw quite alot of sceptical faces walking by haha, since this guy was using a megaphone to lelong ppl to come. and cheating by using the repeat function on it lol. was quite noisy, quite hiong also since i kept having to carry and pack those cartons (i think abt 6 kg for one), but strangely i felt quite thrilled to be there.

and then the guys at the supermarket got to know me, and even though at first glance they seem like pretty unfriendly, uncouth ppl, their conversations are actually pretty interesting haha. and i then understood that the promoters are not paid by the supermarket, so they really had no reason to do anything for us. they are working hard for the supermarket, while we just slack there and get paid 7/hr. its kinda enlightening after realising all this.

second day was pretty much the same, except in the morning, i went to ngee ann and uob building because i applied for an admin job via recruitexpress. they replied very quickly, i only just tried sending my resume two days before, and ended up receiving so many calls within the span of those two days. it was abit annoying actually, but i ended up arranging many meetings (with about 6 consultants), cos i kinda wanted a long term job with proper office hours.

i tried making sure that i would get a job i want this time, avoiding getting swayed by any attempts for short-term job, or call center/helpdesk, just only admin, cos i thought that was probably the best i could do for now, with my sub-par qualifications. even tried picking up excel skills during that time, and it wasn't really anything difficult, pivot tables or v-lookup. so yea within the time from 9-12, met up with 6 ppl, got lost and pissed, got worried, tried to be firm about my requests, and in the end actually got interviews arranged for me. then after that i went off to promoter job again, from 2 - 10pm.

still got called non-stop, cos they probably get commission from doing all this, but i still answered most of the calls, cos i had to make sure i'd get one. then just after dinner, i got told about a pc upgrading job (at least that's what they called it), and the person described it as quite a good oppotunity to learn things. and there was barely any time left to accept it, so i did, and cancelled the rest of my days as a promoter, risked compensation cos of cancellation of contract, and got somewhat worried and excited.

well at least the promoter job, while short, was quite interesting to me haha.  met friendly people, sceptical people, did some extra services, seriously cos i feel better helping them carry the stuff to the carpark, helped out in those kind of street side bargaining, compared prices with two other nearby supermarkets and had a price war lol. was actually pretty damn fun, though i probably wouldn't find it that entertaining anymore if i stayed on.

so after all that hecticness, in the end i did get the "pc upgrading job" at ncs (this company that handles lots of comp stuff, and where my father worked in before), and somehow din't get my two days pay cancelled. i feel a bit bad for the guy on the hiring side for causing him trouble, but hey i got it quite rough too haha. and then i went for my first day for this new job.

first day was pretty damn boring actually. the first 4 hours was an admin briefing done by an admin doing it for the first time, and it was pretty bad. like cos she din't seem to know what she was briefing other than just reading off this 30 page briefing nots. and half the stuff are unrelated to ppl doing it temporarily, but still there's some significance in talking bout leave and mc matters, and contract breaking, which is 1 months pay holy shyt.

after that, i went to lunch at nanyang poly, just next to ncs, met my mom (she's a lecturer there), was feeling pretty demoralised cos it seems like i just can't get any interesting job. though the second 4 hour briefing was quite interesting, though its a bit too freaking difficult for newbies like us. the other ppl with me are older and some have it diploma or other stuff, but still no one really understood. even still, it kinda made me realise how the moe system for handling school computers work, and sounded quite cool at that point of time.

when we actually started work though, we did nothing but update mcaffee software, probably that's why it is 7/hr. the whole point of it is to ensure that the computers doesn't get quarantined (internet access is not allowed) due to not installing any updates for longer than a month. well that was the main gist of what we did for on-job training, which lasted for about a week, and where 3 schools were either in choa chu kang or boon lay D:. after it ended i din't feel like i really got trained at all.

but i did play around with lots of things. its like a newfound power after all, admin rights and the knowledge to shutdown computers remotely. and then how to reformat computers using the moe active directory (basically its like a database u can access with internet connection, containing programs, guides, images to reformat computers, and information). alot of jargon, but i was actually quite curious to find out more.

we completed our tasks very quickly, i mean how hard can it be to update computers when there are like 4 ppl to do 80 laptops. its super slack, the rest of the time we just did our own stuff, like the person in charge of training us was just using internet. i wanted to learn more, but it felt abit weird to ask. so i guess i was kinda demoralised, but din't really do anything about it. since there were many half-days near the chinese new year period, on-job training was over before i knew it.

but having outings in between working days kept me entertained. ate cheap buffet at justacia after playing at board games cafe, played the shadow hunter, and lanned for awhile. then after that there was cny, and while i did less than i usually do every year, i got to gamble abit with my mom's side, who are as lively as ever, and played abit of dancing on xbox kinnect haha. then went for one more jap buffet at kiseki, cos its the last for most of us before they entered army. i wonder how u guys are doing now haha.

anyway, at the very least i feel more satisfied than i had been before i found work. and maybe got abit of understanding of what a 5 day work week feels like (early mornings, long hours that take forever to pass). and maybe why "outside work" time is important haha. it kept me going, since all those travelling time and expenses, hours of doing nothing are super mood-killing lol.

after on job training, things got abit more interesting though. funny how updating software became less than 20% of what i did. slacking is still like 40% though haha. anyway, i ended up doing many side small tasks, like making small tweaks in teacher's laptops (quite troublesome cos i can't just use their comps without permission if they are not there, and some of them are doing work).

also helped out in comp labs when students are doing some survey, using some sort of mass control program called junglebyte. u know the one where the teacher can mass lock all the comps so u don't facebook during lessons? ya that's the program. though it can also be used to mass login, mass anti-virus update, mass transfer files or command prompt scripts, mass log on to a certain website. its pretty cool learning how to use it haha.

there was also meridian jc, which has 20 mobile carts (some sort of "armored" portable cabinets that contrain 20 laptops inside). so i was pretty shocked, cos that's 400 laptops to update holy shyt. but this guy did some BIOS settings (the one u get when u press F10 or some other button on ur comp when u startup), and he can make computers on by themselves, update, then shut them down, all automatically. i guess i was pretty lucky to go there, cos at that point in time he has not done it for a few laptops, so i ended up helping and learning how to do all these settings too.

so ya to be honest, the tech people in those schools don't really need us roving technical assistants to be there, cos they can manage everything perfectly fine by themselves. for those of us who got "trained" together, we kinda share to each other how we are completely lost for what to do or doing nothing through whatsapp haha. but in a way, i kind of treat this job as some sort of internship where i actually could help abit, and even if we are useless, i guess im learning quite a bit, and slowly taking interest in info tech. so it feels quite good after all, at the end of the day.

i just ranted a huge load haha, if ur still here, u've worked really hard lol. tried to make the thing readable, but i guess probably only i really understand what is going on haha. just wanted to purge all this out somewhere lol. anyway, its been quite a ride, but i feel somewhat enlightened. i do still miss old times in schools where it was fun and i din't have to think about anything, but i guess after having things rough, everyone somehow manages to adapt and continue to try to enjoy life as much as one can. i only wished they talked about this more during ACE lessons when we were still in school lol.

k la that's all for now haha. need to wake up early tmr. bye~~

unscheduled life

back to posting again haha. im not going to be ranting about what im not doing again though lol.

anyway, i kinda like the idea of having life with a schedule and stuff. like school. its weird to have free time after having this for, 12 years combined. im not proactive enough or have enough courage to like start out something on my own, from scratch, or like stepping far out of my comfort zone to try something new, i guess. so yea its been boring since i left school i guess.

i don't feel so bad actually (maybe cos im a pretty chill person, and procrastinates a lot lol). but i have nothing to tell other people, while people these days have so many things to tell me. listening to other ppl talk about what work is like is interesting though haha. and other kinds of things they have tried. mostly complaints la heh.

yea im those kind of people who like not having to think too much about what to do. but i still had much fun in school. because it was less time per day, after a long day of school, u'll simply spend ur free time picking up a new game, or anime, or things to watch or do. then we started to play around more from y4-y6. so even with every day repeating i felt like it was different each day. and shiok cos i dint have to think about anything else. maybe its just my character to not think much about stuff haha.

that's why im abit excited for uni actually, cos i feel like peer influence could let me pick up a lot of new hobbies. like make an anime band heh. or maybe pick up sword-fighting, fencing lol. maybe make new games, like holographic rhythm games on real life instruments. and to be frank, ns seems interesting to me too. its like learning about war. the only thing i dread is that i might get into serious trouble and have a rough time. and it may get abit too boring in there.


~~~~~


anyway, for now though, i still haven't worked yet though, cos i guess im not proactive enough, lazy, etc. so after hearing what ppl did in the past month (some people did pretty amazing stuff), i decided maybe i should start small. i only have one small routine so far, and i quite like it. its gym with my parents every sunday. but don't make it sound so big la. to be honest, it really feels like pe to me, cos the instructor is a nice person. and its abit difficult, but sometimes it feels like im playing some sort of game haha.

anyway, firstly, im gonna do 20 push-ups a day, in the toilet just before bathing cos i don't want my parents to know lolol. mainly is cos im very bad at it, and cos i get the impression i will be doing a lot of pumping in army. more than most ppl lol. its damn little actually, but its not easy for me to do it at one go, like proper ones. shows how weak i am D:. but yea, start small haha. only push-ups for now though. cos im just prepping for a whole lot of punishment in army heheh. and cos 20 no kick won't give up de haha.

secondly, gonna improve my jap moaarrr. its not enough, my knowledge. i can barely communicate, even if i can understand what the person is saying. but i did enjoy learning it so far. anime is more interesting when u understand the way they talk. and so are listening to songs. i want to be better so i can read and translate for ppl, hear ppl talk and understand perfectly. talk back casually. watch videos and be able to understand.

and its fun learning jap, after u have been trying for awhile. like i recently went to karaoke, and hmm i guess i was the only person to last for the whole 4 hours haha. but i realise i take a curiosity to things that are jap-related. like cool household products. or things with jap words on it heh. so yea, i'll try working hard haha. go at least 30 mins on more grammar every day, when im not leaving house that day.

the last thing on the list is to pick up a job. after hearing so many stories and stuff, i suddenly feel like working in fast food chain stores heh. my ideal is starbucks though, which i've always considered a crazily ex place for youths to go, but after what my mom told me about how this kind of stores function, and after thinking abit about it, i feel like it'll be actually quite an interesting experience.

from what ppl tell me, f and b is very taxing cos either 1) u barely have time to rest and have to stand all day, or 2) the ppl u work with, or ppl u serve are a bit kao bei, cos u know with work, singaporeans always feel very frustrated talking abt it.

and then there's the scenario where u finish ur job so fast u have nothing to do, but then u cant like slack off, so ur boss or manager makes u do random things that are abit strange. i guess the managers also have it tough, cos its not like they can manage everything perfectly and they might be at a loss of what to do either.

but the impression i get is that in smaller store like these, everyone kinda contributes to the running of the store. there's allocation of jobs of course, but sometimes u need to fill in for others in case they are not there. so maybe other than just making drinks, cleaning, i might also be doing inventory, buying goods and all that. sounds quite interesting.

and it seems like everyone's a bit more equal too haha. i think it'll be nice to work with ppl of similar age, maybe some even younger than me (though i will always be an 8 year old). if my coworkers are nice, i might meet someone of similar interests or someone i can talk casual things about. or maybe i might meet some inspiring nice person that does a lot of meaningful things heh.

i know the pay won't be very good, but i guess that was never really my concern anyway, i just need enough money to pay for my outings. and abit off to the debt i incurred from grad trip lol. since there's barely anything i really need to buy. and work truthfully will probably never be that pleasant, but i think if its three months i might be able to do it heh. hopefully.

i think i've ranted quite abit today haha. good luck to the future working me, i hope >.<. and to the ppl going in army soon too haha. i get to hear accounts of army directly too, additionally bonus of entering later haha. k enough now. bye~~

turning nineteen (or maybe eight)

actually the 8 years old thing is some gag in japan that i din't really explain. but everyone gets it anyway haha. cos im still this boy who could probably disguise as a year 1 during orientation or pay 55 cents in the public bus haha.

anyway, this week was quite a fun one haha. to be honest, the first week of 2014 was hell-boring for me, completely opposite for most ppl. yea my fault. i din't work. i still haven't actually, but its kinda sian that everyone needs to remind me about that.

so ya i was sitting at home, actually with a damn runny nose everyday that kept leaking non-stop, idk why. for 6 days. but i shan't describe more cos its too much info. i din't feel sick, but i din't fully recover either. but even still, i needed some excuse to get out of my house. so on wednesday, i got jio-ed out to adventure cove :D. up till now no photos though (even though i feel like putting in some for once instead of making a wordy post)

so ya everyone told me that adventure cove was no kick, but at the start i was being a complete coward haha. actually, it probably was kinda irritating lol. but after awhile, the slides got pretty addictive haha. there was one that had some whirlpool like thing, some that spun in circles many times. then there was the wave pool that i drank so much water cos im too short and my feet can't touch the ground to jump D:. but it was quite cool. after awhile i got pretty high and happy.

last ride was the best though. it was different from the rest cos there was some magnetic thing on the floor. reason is cos for every other ride, no matter how fast u feel like ur going down, u don't feel the float lose contact with the slide. but this ride u feel like it does. i got really scared, cos the whole ride did that 4 times. in 30 seconds. but after that i felt really, really great haha.

so i guess im starting to understand why ppl enjoy roller coasters. but i really shouldn't say anything. no u still can't make me take uss rides i think i'll be traumatized lol.

anyway, after that, we split up with nicole, boonchong, daryl's sister and her boyfriend, and i got treated to some really nice meal by fiona's parents haha. i din't know nus had some guild thing, but it was quite cool, and i kinda rarely get to even see places like that. adult life haha. i was kinda excited though, so i din't really eat in a very civilised manner.... but it was quite fun haha. it was a pretty damn good birthday gift actually haha.

on friday we went to play soccer again. this time i was really, really scrub. idk what i was doing half the time, but omg i failed so bad, rush out as a keeper, going to take a shot, only to olay myself. kinda lost all morale to play cos i kept laughing too much. but after that, i somehow suddenly scored 5 goals in a row haha. anyway, i wouldn't mind playing again, and futsal is only fun cos we fail so much heheh.

went to cca fair, this time as a senior lol. feels somewhat, just like in orientation, cos we're no longer part of the school so it was a bit extra. but in the end i din't do anything for my club :0. just played chess with jookee and loo, played cards, shouted "join army" when other ppl shouted join "---ball" or "--- club", and watch ppl do mass dance.

after that we went to play soccer again, only for awhile though, but it was a kinda good feeling, cos it feels like a typical friday night back in yr 6 haha. had some cool indian dinner at prata palace. ate thosai, and naan, and took other's ppl food alot too lol, though jen charged me 2 bucks for a drumstick of mutton :0. and damn, i talked so much bullshit urghh. idk why, maybe i was high again lol.

going out is damn fun heh, though in exchange, i spent alot of money in those two days, and i said too much nonsense everytime. im not like this lively at home though, so it feels kinda lonely here. i know i should get a job soon, maybe meet new ppl and joke around, if its possible at a workplace. its a bit much to hope for though. i think im being misguided by anime.

but i see how lar. sooner or later i'll get too bored of staying at home, though i kinda need someone to force me to go out to do things. k la that's all for now. bye~~