dat (screwed up) bookout feeling

idk how im supposed to describe this week sia. i feel like i'm in no place to say it is shiong, it is unreasonable, or is it effed up, knowing exactly what other ppl have to tahan. but for me, this week is fking unpredictable, i got caught off guard so many times and got thrown left right center with different situations and emotions, it felt pms like. i think the best way i can describe this week is jibai la haha.

the best way to actually make this readable for anyone, for those ppl i din't chase away with my previous posts, is to go by chronological order. yes i know it will end up fking long lol, if it's sian to read just skip to after the **** (cos bookout day was messed up). but ya, need to get this shit out of my system. i know i feel completely different from how i did last week, but there's still this excitement to blog about it.

so tuesday was a perfectly fine day, interesting signals lesson, a lot of talk cock waiting in the garage, though suddenly the marathon we were supposed to prepare for got thrown 12 hrs later and we had to leave battery line by 4 am the next day. so ya wtf, but sergeant told us is for our welfare. actually its cos a higher up effed up, but anyway its not an extremely bad news, i guess. but maybe it wasn't, since i acquired 2 ic roles for the 3 consecutive days, and this was just technically lol.

so we left for jurong camp at 4. we all gathered at the tonner to leave for jurong camp, and because the morning ride was extremely sian, everyone was half asleep but still need to move things in and out, i tried talking to people, ended up seeming like a super extra wayang person, like the day before. seriously not my intention, i just got carried away and while i knew so much more things, my situational awareness still not there yet.

the first time we sat on a tonner through civi roads and all these new unfamiliar terrain felt rather fresh to me, there was one point i just lost all my sense of direction and wondered why all this knolls looked like cameroon highland's base to me. its pretty impressive just to sit on the tonner and stare as the day got brighter. we got dropped off at the second last water point area, and ya no sergeant was there to teach us what to do, luckily though my 4-men detachment did water duty (twice) the day before

anyway, i thought the tiger trail event, while rainy, could be similar to the adidas event i did before last year, however it was rather unpleasant. being sleep deprived since i stayed up two hours longer, and also breakfast deprived since it rained and no food was delivered till much later, i acquired quite a bad headache. but that was before i watched two episodes of anime together on my friend's phone, which was fun haha.

then it rained, we delayed the run, it stopped, sergeants participated as well and we got busy, then it rained again. logistics-wise it was a disaster and we end up resting field camp style under medic tentage. somehow our lunch got delayed damn long, then suddenly sergeant got like pissed even though we thought we moved fast. sergeant major somehow got pissed also, and we got pt squeezed in plus tekan towards the day end, not much to say. then all of a sudden, with my shag half-sick feeling, i became ajax battery ic. fml i really wasn't ready for it lol, tried to avoid but still became, cos the previous ic was same platoon bmt and a lot of common stories.

start of hell la, i already ic so much shit liao, cos need to a lot of admin. im willing to do it for my bunkmates, cos they all super fun to be with de, so i tank abit of discomfort le, the two days before. but then they had to start a 42 pull-up regime, in sets of 6, spread out 3 times a day. i was always shag throughout the day basically, then had to run here and there to do small errands. so i made alot of minor mistakes, though at least i was the 2 ic for that day.

i really tried my best yesterday to grasp the situation, with my shag headache and shit, so that i won't screw up bookout day, and i tell u that sergeant really damn good at wasting ur time. so i was starting to wise-up, trying to like discuss what i should clarify with sergeants, and what i should not say, cos it annoys them la basically. at least yesterday went smoothly, even though i almost had zero time for myself, doing key ic, dat ic, and platoon ic duties. and yesterday night fking fun, 3 hr admin time, was just shiokkkk, talk cock study session.

**********

today was the most stressful, intense, just apeshit crazy day. i was the ic, i tot i handled things well all the way till lunch. i fked up in the morning cos 42 pullup shag and marching the whole day yesterday makes u stomp with ur pt shoes 1st thing in the morning, but it was damn minor. i tanked a little shit for ppl, but i was willing to do so, since bookout lo, everyone quite good mood. so everything was going pretty smoothly even though that sergeant had a lot of comments.

so basically, 5 km in the morning, a theory test, and that a prac test after lunch was the schedule. there were a fkload of changes in strength today, but i asked ppl and tried to clarify when we had a bit of lax time to roughly understand who was where. until the guy with wheelchair came back. everything started going wrong, standards of marching, confusion, i also got confused sia, especially after two mentally draining activities.

the thing that screwed up everything after that was my detachments extreme bad luck. our prac test dragged 5 hours long, cos we used another garage, but the new transfer guy failed the automated and maintenance prac test. so we seriously delayed our manual test, though at that point it was ok, just sian that our bookout time was just burning to zero.

then our manual test, our gun really screwed up, we had on-the spot maintenance on the first(me) and last (new) guy. at least i knew my shit, even though i made some safety breach (damn minor but supposedly can get confined one), so we knew its machine fault. but when it came to the last guy, we could not fix in the travel lock motor twice, dunno why. third time sergeant had to help us while we all dying of shag-ness and sian-ness supporting the weight. it doesn't help knowing the whole course is waiting for the 5 of us.

the last killer blow was that we (supposedly only sergeants) had to do one auto as a final check for the gun before we can leave, except it became a practice for the 5th guy. then the batteries ran out of power. we had to on the engine to charge power, while the rest were getting knocked down for being sloppy, and we had to off the engine again, cos the sergeant major had something to address everyone. delays just chained non-stop for the whole thing. thankfully, sergeants still joked with me, punish me abit but still fun.

when we march back, everyone had to bring back different things, it was a mess. i was in a mess for sitting down 4 hours also, and everyone was extremely impatient already cos our seemingly early bookout just got throw far out the window. dinner was good, we were just going to finish our delayed area cleaning. then holy fk our time shortened from 30 mins to 3 mins cos of miscomm, we literally crawled out of our rooms while trying to standardize everything.

my bunk got typhooned cos some ppl seriously dint expect it to be so soon. bedsheets got pulled out, slippers got kicked out of the room, lockers were pulled out and stuff. i was bunk ic, so i just felt quite bad for the mess they made. then later, all the sergeants went apeshit bmt mode, even the one who joked and let me relax less than 1hr ago. i had to pull out shit, tear down posters, put someone's helmet next to the dustbin. omg i just felt so damn freakin bad when someone got shouted in the face right in front of me, get their shit thrown.

when the whole thing was over, i went to my room and just broke down. we really tried our hardest to prepare for bookout 1 day before, and this kind of unexpected shit happens. i tried to focus on what to do next, end up i almost forgot to take care of my ownself. fk sia it was a super hopeless feeling. other ppl had to ask me to chill, even though i was already trying to calm myself down. all that build-up of stress really sucks la.

when we did our final packing and assembled downstairs, i finally calmed down, but all the sergeants suddenly reverse mode and ask me to chill, talk to me even though i already stopped crying. fking embarassing and attention drawing, it felt like that, but i was still trying to go at the same pace in the morning even though i could barely keep my face together haha. then sergeants started laxing, empathizing with us, and the final march was damn funny, that my mood just lifted completely haha. especially when i went out the gate and shared a cab with 3 other nice ppl.

i nvr suffered so much emotional stress ever other than 24km, but it made me realise a few things, as weird as it may seem.

firstly, i needed to restrain but also push myself, but i felt i have adapted to situations much better than i ever had before. the bmt me would have got me killed this week haha. i think i got a lot of dislikes at the start of this week, but at the end, alot of ppl actually consoled and helped me perform my duties, knowing that i tank quite a bit of shit for them out of goodwill haha. i seriously have a lot of fun whenever there's non-serious time, even though i'm still talking too much, but now i'm trying to control myself and let them talk to each other more also.

second thing is that it seems like my sergeants are doing exactly what i was trying to aim for during my ns, which is to mature myself. getting all this shit thrown at me and tanking stuff for ppl created a serious mode in me (between shag and angry) that makes me a much faster person (though i still need time to concentrate on what im doing). and i seriously learn how to put in more effort for the fun things. my bookouts now are like double, triple their bmt value. i share stories to my family honestly, as well as put in a lot of effort to fill up my days with friends, because my bookout makes me feel damn fulfilled inside haha.

last thing is the weirdest shit ever. experiencing this week, and abit of everything before has made me fill that army is really the place where u can make all ur mistakes, damn big ones, and still get forgiven for everything. in school, and the future, every relationship decision has a conseq, but when in army, though i made so many mistakes and left embarrassing stuff for almost everyone around me to know, it feels like when tough shit happens, everyone seriously just forgives each other and tahan.

it's like when bookout day comes, shit gets real, but when we go home, we seriously forget everything and leave it for next week. and it's a super good feeling when u leave all the stress from that day behind for just one week to really fully enjoy urself haha. everyone here has went through the same emotions before, and they really don't truly hate us, still give us peace when we bookout at the very least. in the end, one confinement or guard duty here doesn't really mean anything once u get to the gate of the camp haha.

i really hope i don't have to go through the same stress next week or dat screwed up bookout feeling. i had a lot of fun but its still messed up lol. its going to be shag though since i know there's two long runs and a whole week of maintenance. there's mess to clean up, and i still haven't break out the bad news to the whole course, which is that we owe 325 (just take another effing look) pushups just for today. spread across 25 days though, it would make 13 pushups during admin time, at least benefitting everyone for the new IPPT ba.

anyway for now, i really hope to enjoy this bookout as well (shorter liao), and maybe reach a stage where booking in doesn't feel sian for me anymore. that's all for now ba. bye ~~

working ur way from bottom to top really feels different than just being up there haha

shocking new revelation

so ya i have a very shocking revelation to make, especially for the ppl who know me, but before that, i want to re introduce a few things.

so over the past 2 months, the ppl i know and ppl who know me have probably tripled. my definition of know is quite different, cos these are ppl that i spent substantial time with or at least enough to cross that line of stranger.

ya im not joking, its abt triple now. but that's not the shocking revelation. its probably common for nsmen. but for me its a huge makeover for the ppl i know now. so im like going to reintroduce myself.

im kind of a jc kid, in army terms, but that's not really true. my sch is quite different in the sense that its 6 years, small cohort, and i dint have to take a levels. so i had quite an easy life, even though acads were conceptually hard. im not as smart as u think, in fact ppl who know me know im a blur cock, and in army im still a kanchiong spider, always panicking. its not so bad now, and im given a chance (thankfully) to start anew and i feel like im quite well off now. im glad i ended up as a men in arty, mentioned in my previous post.

but anyway, my point is that before these two months, im the low profile guy (except internally quite known for being blur). my first true friends i made in sec 3, where i started trying to fit in since i dint really had friends before. and these are ppl i have stuck with for all the way till now, through hostel and many memories.

my point is that till before army i only had 10-20 friends past the good friends line, and they are like super impt to me since they are essentially my first few true friends (not technically but ya).

so the whole point of saying this is only those ppl who know me know of this site, so i write as if im talking to them (or u basically). if ur here at this point of time, ur either them, or u somehow found the super few links that exist here.

idk what interested any good stalking to come here, since im not active on social media and not the kind to promote my blog or aim for many hits and likes. i don't insta la basically, but i do abit of stalking nowadays cos there's a lotttt of interesting ppl ive met. even my sergeants im curious as to how they've changed.

anyway, i will try to talk like before, but my mentality has did a 3600 degree already. compared to my first post i have come a longggg way. don't read it i find it freaking embarrassing now. alot of my previous post also make me sound like a retard haha. yes im embarassed abt the plenty of unglamorous stuff i did before, but i think im relatively guai ah, still haven't done things like partying clubbing or drinking that kind. quite an excessive but amateur gamer. like to watch anime and running man too haha.

if u haven't met me in a long time, im much more talkative now, only around ppl im comfortable with though. in army i learnt how to get familiar with ppl, and i know how to not alienate ppl, if the conditions are right. like i said, im a kanchiong spider so i make mistakes like nobody's business, like i take something in a rush and leave another thing there. that's essentially how my bmt went lol.

but ya i have changed from being awkward to even speak up to now being able to ask all sorts of questions, even the seemingly obvious and stupid one's i dare to ask alr. but im not an attention seeker, i don't really like to stand out externally, just trying to be friendly with ppl im close or comfortable with.

idk what started the change, but it was an important adaptation cos it help me speak out and get my shit together. im somehow gained the confidence to open up to ppl, and i guess having stories to tell and knowledge to share helps a lot in becoming more interesting. i like to think that from being a teenager, im always trying to improve myself to become a more likeable and fun-loving person, though i was slightly outcasted last time because im not a nice person to be in a team with (due to all the screwups), but just someone nice to talk to.

i kind of know my purpose in ns now, which is to become like my parent's essentially. its a very good opportunity in ns since its two years, and even if im just a men, there is time to get my shit together, be more capable, stop running away from problems, and learn how to solve and handle basic things. i kind of want to keep my personality though, it has made me very good friends so far.

ok enough chatterboxing. the shocking revelation is that, i go to church now. for those who know me, u must be going "Holy fkkk!!", or maybe it dint surprise u at all. im not saying im atheist before, or im all holy and religious now, its a slow thing. but its fun i got to admit. and im no longer afraid to say i go church now lest people judge me. there's a lot of justification to it.

anyway, it started with me helping my section mate do his bic, cos they needed another person to do twice. it wasn't supposed to be me at first, but i took it for him anyway, since i found the experience interesting even though it was shagggg. long story short it ended up with him introducing me to church, which i at that point considered as a outing, an activity i never tried before.

it ended up with me crying on the first preaching. it was more serious of a lesson that day. i cried cos all my life i have felt the issue of not being confident enough to put myself in the middle, always restraining myself because i felt inferior to the rest. very true in bmt, i always felt that stress in me, long before. except in front of those 10+ close friends i made in high school.

i felt the healing effect of crying it out and daring to show weakness in front of everybody. it was a holy place after all, one where u bare ur soul and try not to feel ashamed. and then i made a decision to convert. actually it was more of accept, and of cos i dint have an actual clear concept of what i was doing yet, just a kind of commitment to this interesting experience and i will try it again.

today is just the second time i came, and at first i was still not very sure if church is the thing for me, but today was a great session, seriously. its like god has some invisible eyes and the timing of the lesson was exactly what i was reflecting about how i've changed. it does feel like something is done to ur soul, like opening u up and making u feel more accepted and willing to share weakness.

ok this must be pretty cheesy to my sceptical-about religion friends. pls don't judge me, i won't try to pull u in either. but it is a especially good source of motivation to nsmen. u need some purpose and also for me it gave me a bit more confidence, which i really needed, and helped me start anew on a good note. and i do feel freaking lucky to end up in arty, it really suits me i think.

i know i might have adapted anywhere, but nvr before had i have such a concrete idea of why i needed to serve ns and what i shud try to achieve, and if i think abt it, its actually quite miraculous. its not hard to believe i was blessed with such compatibility in my unit and now i actually hope i can do well and have fun in ns. it is so much more bearable than bmt. the experiences i've had to this point feels pre-planned, so of cos im slowly starting to believe that holy crap, something is actually helping me shape my life well haha.

i seriously wont pull u in, tbh im still not fully convinced god exists, i don't get all those visions yet. but i have accepted that something wondrous is happening and its helping me grow into the adult i want to be. and its seriously relatable to ns. like how ns feels like a place for me to become the adult, and suddenly my path is clearer like nvr before. like all i need to do is follow and have faith it will bring me to my dream life.

i have a concrete goal that i have never had before, and i just feel like sharing it. im slowly changing, now i have a few more ppl to whatsapp to and tell ppl things i have never tried saying before. its fun and good, that's why im sharing it.

so ya, im supposed to believe i have a destiny, and i will surely achieve my dream, just need to believe im perfect for my destiny, i will achieve it no matter what happens, and my future is bright. its such a good thing to believe in right? gives me assurance that i will succeed. like how running a 10:34 has made me feel like i have no probs with running. im a light, agile person that can become quite strong. and how surviving 24km and kestrel makes me believe anything less harder i will be able to bear it. its like a lifesaver attitude for ns, which is supposedly hated by many. 

i feel im lucky, and i hope i can achieve my dream in the future, together with all this nice ppl who bothered to help me understand this. so much change in 2 months. how to not believe im being blessed u tell me lol.

but guys don't worry im still the same old dion u can bully and joke with. i hope this doesn't change my past friendships but i hope to make new good friends too. life is going quite well if u ask me. i hope i improve la basically.

ok la that's alot of important info i just shared. like really quite personal inner thoughts. that's all for now. i've really become a chatterbox haha. anyway, bye~~. maybe this blog will spring to life again and more ppl may come closer to me enough to find this page haha. i won't advertise abt it don't worry. not that shameless. yet. haha

1st week in arty

so im back in action after almost 1 week of unbearable sickness (during block leave somemore wtf), i think it might have been a borderline dengue case or maybe really just fatigue from 24km march (probably the singlemost hardest but feelgood thing in my life). but anyway that's over, got posted to 21 Singapore Artillery and resume NS life. i'm really lucky i guess, it's a very suitable place for me imo (maybe armour would have been more fun).

anyway, the 1st week in a unit is always quite different from what one will expect. i guess i found out alot of new things about how army is like. bmt is like a frog's well, i dint know shit in there, and its kinda secluded by itself there. but now u have friends everywhere, and also section mates, who know other section mates and stuff. its like a network of alot of knowledge about what other ppl do, and u end up getting a much better understanding of the whole army in general.

by the way, im now an arty operator, taking a 2 months course where i will learn how to drive and load ammo. its abit hectic for now (though nothing compared to chiong sua infantry like jookee). no more route march and infanteering for ns liao woohooo :DD. at the start i did feel slightly disappointed for not making scs and i will not be able to do alot of things as well as receive the recruit life more. but now i feel like its a good thing to be a men (more suited for my personality). also, i will get my LCP rank soon i think, cos my course is short-er(compared to so many others, but its still a fkload of information overload), and my fitness is medium to good in this unit. so awwwyeaahhhhh LCP haha.

there's alot of improvement to life, time efficiency and stuff, but at the same time, certain things are more focused. in my unit, marching and stand by bed and basically soldier discipline really must be sui sui, they dont let u off for it. but at the same time punishment is much more bearable, its really just push-ups and stuff meant to make u more buff, and they dont scold u like they do in bmt (or maybe just kestrel). but i have to thank kestrel for a bmt that changed my mind to be able to take any sort of scolding and still be able to smile lolol. it was fun there.

i kinda like our sergeants, we really have to work with them closely liao, they are kinda like our seniors who take responsibility if we screw up, but really, when we do anything with the tank gun (i must call it a gun, and i got knocked down 60 times already for calling it the wrong thing), sometimes we support the same heavy part while others move certain things, so ya, they will become our good seniors (kind of abit like in anime).

anywayyy i digress. its not the kind of lepak life u might expect, there's 5km runs very often now, and also a much more vigorous pt than i expected (still less shaggg than bmt for now) but it is very much more bearable. the rnd (regimentation and discipline) is quite a pain in the ass, but unlike bmt, u have a LOT of time here to slowly improve. definitely much less stress in the mind. i kinda eff-up much less now, thanks to kestrel, but as always im the blur cock there. but i manage to do my stuff properly liao, just still a kanchiong spider when problems arise.

it takes quite a bit of self control to do my stuff properly, which im kind of more motivated to be now. here the sergeant major at first impression seems like an annoying person who will give u alot of trouble, but in actual fact the more i hear him talk to us, the more i like him. they encourage us to be honest here (not lie in bmt straight to the face im not shag, im not sleepy etc.), and he really talks like he knows exactly how we feel. and there's a culture of encouragement here, even though we don't perform half as well physically like in bmt.

i think i can talk on forever, at least for this month, about all the new stuff that changed this week. but its a very suitable place for me. lessons in garage (6-8 hrs everyday), its sian yes, but i learn alot of things about a car this week (engine, cooling system, track and suspension). its a bit like engineering lessons in a garage in army. alot of ppl sleep yes, but they let u stand up, eat sweets, basically u feel like the sergeants allow u to feel these things cos they gone through the same thing. its a very strong source of motivation, cos u feel like they understand u. just don't effing sleep, the whole group will knock it down la. (understandable though)

i feel like i use a lot more thinking here, plus the ppl here are nicer (maybe just my bunk). group is smaller, but they are all quite similar to me, quite chill on the inside, fitness so-so, all gamers (even the sergeant haha), some jokers also. very friendly easygoing ppl de. at first we were all totally quiet at night, but now we keep talking about interests and stuff. it seems like its going to be a very fun place la. which is like the number 1 thing i was looking for. lessons are interesting (to me at least), i hope to be proficient in everything related to it.

the shit here is damn damn heavy though, and im going to have alot of problems. in essence the SSPH1 (s'pore self-propelled howitzer, sounds cool, no?) is a very accurate cannon that is able to move, so its offensive by nature. but in essence its a gigantic gun mounted on a tank. that's why i made mistake call it tank 3 times liao, the only guy to get caught some more lol. maybe cos im quite active in lesson, i find it fun to learn, but i get knockdown for asking questions o.o.

anyway, the thing is freaking big, probably one of the biggest tank-like vehicles for NSF to handle. its as big as a tonner la, but the parts are aluminium coated steel, and its 14 tons (tonner is about 6). and fk, every small panel is like 10kg, access doors and parts can go up to 200kg to a few tons. its freaking easy to kiap ur finger or hand if u drop anything, if anything hits ur head ur kinda fked. and i cant even do the signal set properly lol (thank goodness its a sergeant role), but its still gonna be tough on me.

i think i'll do well on theory and maintenance though. i kinda the most tolerant to feeling disgusted by grease and stuff. i dont mind getting dirty, i actually find it cool u need like 4 ppl to do everything, cos really there's a sense of teamwork in everything. i want to learn how to drive soon yea. 165cm driving a 14 kg vehicle siol. the freaking ammo (some gigantic bullet with 900 times more base area than our rifle bullet) is 42 fking kg, and we have to do obstacle course with it. hong gan liao lor lolol.

anyway, i will speak forever if u let me carry on, but i get the feeling i will enjoy and remember the next 2 months of course time, and after that life will be much more comfortable heheh. im damn lucky to be posted to arty imo, ppl are nice and stuff. they said u need a goal to serve, and i kinda have something forming in my mind liao. u know how the csm always seems so mature and stuff? they feel very adult-ish to me, so my goal is to kinda transform to an adult within this 2 years.

of course i want to keep my fun-loving nature, i also want to keep my goal of having some dream job related to virtual reality (which is showing up a LOT within this past few months). i kinda want to build a almost fully immersive virtual reality system (or at least be part of a team doing that, my dream job), though it feels like going at my rate of being quite lazy, i might not do as well in uni as i thought.

its like a minor mid-life crisis also, so ya i hope army can turn me into like my parents la. able to endure shit and carry on doing something, don't like avoid doing stuff just cos i hate it (which i still do quite often), and become like my parents basically, be in charge of a bit, have some dream job, which i really starting to have ideas about already. they said don't waste 2 years in army la, so i hope i can achieve that.

so what if i'm just a lowly men man? (no pun intended). just do my shit properly, be an expert in gun matters, and take away alot from NS. i mean i still feel sian about that place la, but there's alot to take away (except being anal in rnd, its quite a bitch). have fun in army, and in uni also, and get that dream job. i really want it heh.

k la so damn long post, time to stop le. bye~~

24 clicks to POP

finally passed out today. actually i passed out two times, one during the morning after that super tiring march, then another time when i reached home lol.

anyway, if u asked me just casually how army is like, especially since ppl know im from kestrel, i can't really describe it. fun? shiong? its kinda a mix of both, but actually that's still not a very good way to describe how it was like for me.

the last time i blogged, i was pretty demoralised about coping with army cos my physical was so bad i took atten c twice in the first 3 weeks. but after tanking through field camp and many different activities that everyone was like struggling through, slowly i realised that actually i was able to march and do the same stuff after all, just that i was complaining too much. IPPT and SOC that one if ur not fit cant do very well la, but for the rest, it really is up to ur own mind and perseverance.

anyway, after field camp, there were actually many fun times among the shit we had to do and endure through. i feel like my platoon is quite fun to be in, and that our batch probably was one of the most entertaining ones in kestrel history haha. we made lots of effed up songs, imitate the commanders during OC night, and did lots of guai lan stuff la. though its probably very difficult to explain the jokes to anyone else not in the coy.

as for kestrel being shiong, yes it is, but then when i look at some things other companies do, i feel like maybe we're not that shiong after all, even though ppl from other coys tell us that we are. maybe we got brainwashed or something, tekan so much until don't even know we are getting tekan. but to be honest though, i probably din't have a very hard time in kestrel after all. i can safely say that all the other kestrel warriors really have their standard up there. i guess i did put in a lot of effort, as compared to like my whole life before, though i probably din't work half as hard as so many others in my section. 

my section is quite ok la. they covered my ass many times, are quite highly motivated also. but i feel like it wasn't as fun as the other sections in my platoon, maybe that's why i enjoyed interacting with ppl outside my section, sometimes outside my platoon also. it has always been like that though, same like in school. im quite a troublesome person, so maybe the less ppl are forced to do stuff with me, the better i can talk to them

yea i caused quite alot of problems for my section, such that at some point whenever i said something slightly weird (im not good at phrasing my ideas), i get alot of disagreeing comments and stuff, abit like how we usually speak to hema lol. yea maybe i was the hema of my section

at some point i did some funny things, so i usually wasn't excluded from the fun stuff, just that ppl dont talk to me as often as the others. its kind of like fun and not fun at the same time haha. mostly ppl din't dislike me cos of my personality, but mostly cos i was blur, screwed up shit, and said things in weird ways. so slowly i got accepted, even though they still treat me like a hema haha. 

towards the end, almost everyday something epic or retarded would happen in the coy. recruits night, oc night and all that was quite fun. and everyone started being more lax and finally talking more openly. it felt very very similar feeling to how school was like before we graduated, and then we all just start making all sorts of retarded jokes and pulling retarded stunts. yea i still do my super cold jokes in army. the reaction of everyone is still the same haha.

then finally came the route march. it was fking, fking tough for me, even though i slowly got better at march. i was quite optimistic at first, but it wasn't like the same old marches before where we can laugh and sing, be shag at the end, but sleep well on a bed at the end of the day. this march started off nice, with like changing scenery, then slowly it began to drag, and u feel like u suffered alot even though it was just 3km at a time.

din't sing much for this route march, but at least thankfully there were ppl talking around me, cos i wasn't very keen on talking when my shoulder felt like something was pressing in. but we tahan the pain for awhile, it went away, and just left a dull numbing ache that seemed to amplify just before we reach our rest point. many times i got annoyed and thought it was impossible that we haven't hit 3km yet, that they cheated us of the actual distance we had to march (even though now that i think about it, they have no point in making us suffer).

the changi road was quite bad. it was featureless and dragged on for so long, but at least i still had my energy and i din't feel so demoralised. then came the whole stretch of ecp, where we just slowly marched from area G all the way to the end of area B, and damn that one felt so long and tiring. we couldn't even go to the toilet sometimes cos the queue was so long, and the rest never felt enough. lastly, was the marina stretch. it was where all the pain came in, all the irritation in everyone started to come out, but because we could see the flyer slowly becoming bigger, we all had the mentality to just tahan, and tried to throw in one or two effed up songs that gave us abit more energy.

the most shiok part was when we reaced the highway of rochor road, the moon was damn pretty, the flyer and everything was damn pretty. and we could see the platform just directly ahead and below of us. i was kinda limping by then, cos my left leg was feeling quite weak. then we reached and had like very little time to eat and prepare our stuff before we have to move off again, right under the platform. there everyone just crashed cos it was so uncomfortable and tired.

when i woke up, the sky was suddenly much brighter, and then suddenly there's this POP energy u could see in everyone. there was quite alot of hype, and this parade was so different from the 7 rehearsals we did in tekong. then when it was time to throw the cap, i almost couldn't believe that i made it to that point, that i can actually throw my cap for real now. it felt really amazing to get to throw the cap haha. and that my BMT is now complete.

its a little bit sad to go though, even though i won't really miss my section as much as they would miss each other. but still, there were many fun times and i also quite liked our commanders, they were very interesting ppl after all. but of cos when there's one week of block leave in front of you, you'll just think that eff yea, time to celebrate haha. idrc what kind of posting i get next friday, but i feel quite proud that i completed BMT and it'll be quite a memorable thing for me to talk abou in years to come.

working!

sup! haven't been here for quite awhile, but loaddsss of things have happened by then. from back then, i said i wanted to work in starbucks, maybe cos i got influenced by working! haha. its a damn funny anime btw. but in the end, i went through many different things before finally getting the one i have now.

don't want to sound like i have a lot of working experience, cos im the one who has worked for the shortest time among everyone else, but during this time i came to learn lots of things. this post is extremely wordy and may seem very rant-like, but anyway after all this, i kinda appreciate what happened.

the first job i tried for was swensens, which at that time sounded like a fun job. anyway, due to my nervousness since it was my first try in getting a job, i guess i screwed up the 'interview' (just a chat with the manager), cos i was abit too eager to accept things, and din't really ask any questions at all. so they din't call back, even though they said they would call. i guess that's quite a polite way of rejecting lol.

so i tried doing applying for a data entry job at some department in cisco building (cos my uncle told them to consider my resume). which turned out they din't have a data entry job for me after all. so the guy tried to sway me in picking up the other temp jobs they need to fill (very common during festive periods). but that's just another name for saigang la.

the guy spent quite awhile trying to persuade me, and helping me find a location near my area. since i haven't started work yet, and getting a lot of nagging from my mom (she doesn't say it directly, but she kept picking on me obviously cos i haven't found a job). so ya i took the offer, some sort of promoter job. tried to clarify what i'll be doing, but turns out it was quite different from expected.

when i just started, the first two hours i was standing there, not knowing what i was supposed to do. all the person in the supermarket told me was to just try to sell the yeo's drinks, and then went off to do their own thing. at first i was kinda lost, and extremely, extremely bored, cos i was seriously getting paid for doing almost nothing except standing at the section with the yeo's drink. and the other promoters were either slacking or doing i dunno what, but it probably wasn't anything constructive lol.

so i guess i tried my best to waste time until dinner, which was 4 hours of horrible boredom, and after that finally feeling a little bit better, suddenly the guy at the supermarket told me to help in some sort of sale, where they go to the front side near the shop to sell stuff discounted.

was quite interesting actually lol. mostly i was putting 24-drink cartons into plastic bags and collecting money and stuff. saw quite alot of sceptical faces walking by haha, since this guy was using a megaphone to lelong ppl to come. and cheating by using the repeat function on it lol. was quite noisy, quite hiong also since i kept having to carry and pack those cartons (i think abt 6 kg for one), but strangely i felt quite thrilled to be there.

and then the guys at the supermarket got to know me, and even though at first glance they seem like pretty unfriendly, uncouth ppl, their conversations are actually pretty interesting haha. and i then understood that the promoters are not paid by the supermarket, so they really had no reason to do anything for us. they are working hard for the supermarket, while we just slack there and get paid 7/hr. its kinda enlightening after realising all this.

second day was pretty much the same, except in the morning, i went to ngee ann and uob building because i applied for an admin job via recruitexpress. they replied very quickly, i only just tried sending my resume two days before, and ended up receiving so many calls within the span of those two days. it was abit annoying actually, but i ended up arranging many meetings (with about 6 consultants), cos i kinda wanted a long term job with proper office hours.

i tried making sure that i would get a job i want this time, avoiding getting swayed by any attempts for short-term job, or call center/helpdesk, just only admin, cos i thought that was probably the best i could do for now, with my sub-par qualifications. even tried picking up excel skills during that time, and it wasn't really anything difficult, pivot tables or v-lookup. so yea within the time from 9-12, met up with 6 ppl, got lost and pissed, got worried, tried to be firm about my requests, and in the end actually got interviews arranged for me. then after that i went off to promoter job again, from 2 - 10pm.

still got called non-stop, cos they probably get commission from doing all this, but i still answered most of the calls, cos i had to make sure i'd get one. then just after dinner, i got told about a pc upgrading job (at least that's what they called it), and the person described it as quite a good oppotunity to learn things. and there was barely any time left to accept it, so i did, and cancelled the rest of my days as a promoter, risked compensation cos of cancellation of contract, and got somewhat worried and excited.

well at least the promoter job, while short, was quite interesting to me haha.  met friendly people, sceptical people, did some extra services, seriously cos i feel better helping them carry the stuff to the carpark, helped out in those kind of street side bargaining, compared prices with two other nearby supermarkets and had a price war lol. was actually pretty damn fun, though i probably wouldn't find it that entertaining anymore if i stayed on.

so after all that hecticness, in the end i did get the "pc upgrading job" at ncs (this company that handles lots of comp stuff, and where my father worked in before), and somehow din't get my two days pay cancelled. i feel a bit bad for the guy on the hiring side for causing him trouble, but hey i got it quite rough too haha. and then i went for my first day for this new job.

first day was pretty damn boring actually. the first 4 hours was an admin briefing done by an admin doing it for the first time, and it was pretty bad. like cos she din't seem to know what she was briefing other than just reading off this 30 page briefing nots. and half the stuff are unrelated to ppl doing it temporarily, but still there's some significance in talking bout leave and mc matters, and contract breaking, which is 1 months pay holy shyt.

after that, i went to lunch at nanyang poly, just next to ncs, met my mom (she's a lecturer there), was feeling pretty demoralised cos it seems like i just can't get any interesting job. though the second 4 hour briefing was quite interesting, though its a bit too freaking difficult for newbies like us. the other ppl with me are older and some have it diploma or other stuff, but still no one really understood. even still, it kinda made me realise how the moe system for handling school computers work, and sounded quite cool at that point of time.

when we actually started work though, we did nothing but update mcaffee software, probably that's why it is 7/hr. the whole point of it is to ensure that the computers doesn't get quarantined (internet access is not allowed) due to not installing any updates for longer than a month. well that was the main gist of what we did for on-job training, which lasted for about a week, and where 3 schools were either in choa chu kang or boon lay D:. after it ended i din't feel like i really got trained at all.

but i did play around with lots of things. its like a newfound power after all, admin rights and the knowledge to shutdown computers remotely. and then how to reformat computers using the moe active directory (basically its like a database u can access with internet connection, containing programs, guides, images to reformat computers, and information). alot of jargon, but i was actually quite curious to find out more.

we completed our tasks very quickly, i mean how hard can it be to update computers when there are like 4 ppl to do 80 laptops. its super slack, the rest of the time we just did our own stuff, like the person in charge of training us was just using internet. i wanted to learn more, but it felt abit weird to ask. so i guess i was kinda demoralised, but din't really do anything about it. since there were many half-days near the chinese new year period, on-job training was over before i knew it.

but having outings in between working days kept me entertained. ate cheap buffet at justacia after playing at board games cafe, played the shadow hunter, and lanned for awhile. then after that there was cny, and while i did less than i usually do every year, i got to gamble abit with my mom's side, who are as lively as ever, and played abit of dancing on xbox kinnect haha. then went for one more jap buffet at kiseki, cos its the last for most of us before they entered army. i wonder how u guys are doing now haha.

anyway, at the very least i feel more satisfied than i had been before i found work. and maybe got abit of understanding of what a 5 day work week feels like (early mornings, long hours that take forever to pass). and maybe why "outside work" time is important haha. it kept me going, since all those travelling time and expenses, hours of doing nothing are super mood-killing lol.

after on job training, things got abit more interesting though. funny how updating software became less than 20% of what i did. slacking is still like 40% though haha. anyway, i ended up doing many side small tasks, like making small tweaks in teacher's laptops (quite troublesome cos i can't just use their comps without permission if they are not there, and some of them are doing work).

also helped out in comp labs when students are doing some survey, using some sort of mass control program called junglebyte. u know the one where the teacher can mass lock all the comps so u don't facebook during lessons? ya that's the program. though it can also be used to mass login, mass anti-virus update, mass transfer files or command prompt scripts, mass log on to a certain website. its pretty cool learning how to use it haha.

there was also meridian jc, which has 20 mobile carts (some sort of "armored" portable cabinets that contrain 20 laptops inside). so i was pretty shocked, cos that's 400 laptops to update holy shyt. but this guy did some BIOS settings (the one u get when u press F10 or some other button on ur comp when u startup), and he can make computers on by themselves, update, then shut them down, all automatically. i guess i was pretty lucky to go there, cos at that point in time he has not done it for a few laptops, so i ended up helping and learning how to do all these settings too.

so ya to be honest, the tech people in those schools don't really need us roving technical assistants to be there, cos they can manage everything perfectly fine by themselves. for those of us who got "trained" together, we kinda share to each other how we are completely lost for what to do or doing nothing through whatsapp haha. but in a way, i kind of treat this job as some sort of internship where i actually could help abit, and even if we are useless, i guess im learning quite a bit, and slowly taking interest in info tech. so it feels quite good after all, at the end of the day.

i just ranted a huge load haha, if ur still here, u've worked really hard lol. tried to make the thing readable, but i guess probably only i really understand what is going on haha. just wanted to purge all this out somewhere lol. anyway, its been quite a ride, but i feel somewhat enlightened. i do still miss old times in schools where it was fun and i din't have to think about anything, but i guess after having things rough, everyone somehow manages to adapt and continue to try to enjoy life as much as one can. i only wished they talked about this more during ACE lessons when we were still in school lol.

k la that's all for now haha. need to wake up early tmr. bye~~

unscheduled life

back to posting again haha. im not going to be ranting about what im not doing again though lol.

anyway, i kinda like the idea of having life with a schedule and stuff. like school. its weird to have free time after having this for, 12 years combined. im not proactive enough or have enough courage to like start out something on my own, from scratch, or like stepping far out of my comfort zone to try something new, i guess. so yea its been boring since i left school i guess.

i don't feel so bad actually (maybe cos im a pretty chill person, and procrastinates a lot lol). but i have nothing to tell other people, while people these days have so many things to tell me. listening to other ppl talk about what work is like is interesting though haha. and other kinds of things they have tried. mostly complaints la heh.

yea im those kind of people who like not having to think too much about what to do. but i still had much fun in school. because it was less time per day, after a long day of school, u'll simply spend ur free time picking up a new game, or anime, or things to watch or do. then we started to play around more from y4-y6. so even with every day repeating i felt like it was different each day. and shiok cos i dint have to think about anything else. maybe its just my character to not think much about stuff haha.

that's why im abit excited for uni actually, cos i feel like peer influence could let me pick up a lot of new hobbies. like make an anime band heh. or maybe pick up sword-fighting, fencing lol. maybe make new games, like holographic rhythm games on real life instruments. and to be frank, ns seems interesting to me too. its like learning about war. the only thing i dread is that i might get into serious trouble and have a rough time. and it may get abit too boring in there.


~~~~~


anyway, for now though, i still haven't worked yet though, cos i guess im not proactive enough, lazy, etc. so after hearing what ppl did in the past month (some people did pretty amazing stuff), i decided maybe i should start small. i only have one small routine so far, and i quite like it. its gym with my parents every sunday. but don't make it sound so big la. to be honest, it really feels like pe to me, cos the instructor is a nice person. and its abit difficult, but sometimes it feels like im playing some sort of game haha.

anyway, firstly, im gonna do 20 push-ups a day, in the toilet just before bathing cos i don't want my parents to know lolol. mainly is cos im very bad at it, and cos i get the impression i will be doing a lot of pumping in army. more than most ppl lol. its damn little actually, but its not easy for me to do it at one go, like proper ones. shows how weak i am D:. but yea, start small haha. only push-ups for now though. cos im just prepping for a whole lot of punishment in army heheh. and cos 20 no kick won't give up de haha.

secondly, gonna improve my jap moaarrr. its not enough, my knowledge. i can barely communicate, even if i can understand what the person is saying. but i did enjoy learning it so far. anime is more interesting when u understand the way they talk. and so are listening to songs. i want to be better so i can read and translate for ppl, hear ppl talk and understand perfectly. talk back casually. watch videos and be able to understand.

and its fun learning jap, after u have been trying for awhile. like i recently went to karaoke, and hmm i guess i was the only person to last for the whole 4 hours haha. but i realise i take a curiosity to things that are jap-related. like cool household products. or things with jap words on it heh. so yea, i'll try working hard haha. go at least 30 mins on more grammar every day, when im not leaving house that day.

the last thing on the list is to pick up a job. after hearing so many stories and stuff, i suddenly feel like working in fast food chain stores heh. my ideal is starbucks though, which i've always considered a crazily ex place for youths to go, but after what my mom told me about how this kind of stores function, and after thinking abit about it, i feel like it'll be actually quite an interesting experience.

from what ppl tell me, f and b is very taxing cos either 1) u barely have time to rest and have to stand all day, or 2) the ppl u work with, or ppl u serve are a bit kao bei, cos u know with work, singaporeans always feel very frustrated talking abt it.

and then there's the scenario where u finish ur job so fast u have nothing to do, but then u cant like slack off, so ur boss or manager makes u do random things that are abit strange. i guess the managers also have it tough, cos its not like they can manage everything perfectly and they might be at a loss of what to do either.

but the impression i get is that in smaller store like these, everyone kinda contributes to the running of the store. there's allocation of jobs of course, but sometimes u need to fill in for others in case they are not there. so maybe other than just making drinks, cleaning, i might also be doing inventory, buying goods and all that. sounds quite interesting.

and it seems like everyone's a bit more equal too haha. i think it'll be nice to work with ppl of similar age, maybe some even younger than me (though i will always be an 8 year old). if my coworkers are nice, i might meet someone of similar interests or someone i can talk casual things about. or maybe i might meet some inspiring nice person that does a lot of meaningful things heh.

i know the pay won't be very good, but i guess that was never really my concern anyway, i just need enough money to pay for my outings. and abit off to the debt i incurred from grad trip lol. since there's barely anything i really need to buy. and work truthfully will probably never be that pleasant, but i think if its three months i might be able to do it heh. hopefully.

i think i've ranted quite abit today haha. good luck to the future working me, i hope >.<. and to the ppl going in army soon too haha. i get to hear accounts of army directly too, additionally bonus of entering later haha. k enough now. bye~~

last post of the year

it's this time of the year again lol.

so ya i feel like my personality has changed quite abit from last year. of course, i'm still this dumb, forgetful and annoying idiot (i'm sure many ppl have other things to add lol), yet somehow still managed to make a few good friends haha, and ya that will probably not ever change.

but ya i feel like i've become much more relaxed toward life, less uptight or dramatic or stressed, and it does feel quite good, though in some sense i'm like ignoring some greater part of life that someday i have to face. i definitely was lazier this year haha, partially due to much shorter school days (many might disagree). i feel like i've become more retarded, maybe cos i enjoy the responses i get from being retarded haha. somehow i'm laughing all this off, even though sometimes i realise that i shouldn't keep being such a retard either.

anyway, this year has been great actually. i've feel like i've let off some deadweight that has been holding me back and experienced lots of fun moments. lots and lots. i probably don't remember half of them, but i know there where plenty of moments where i laughed so hard my stomach hurt, and i think i caused many many occasions of public nuisance. u know those kind like u see and go 'who is this retard', but when ur actually involved everything seems understandable lol.

i feel the need to recap haha, even though i dont want to make it seem like certain events had more weightage than others. and also cos i end up listing so many things :0

anyway at the start of the year, i had many fun moments with my class, and with 05 too, cos for some reason i feel so familiar with them and they treat me nicely (i think). some of us initiated weekly rm, which lasted half a year, and it was quite fun when it lasted, though we ran out of ideas or din't act on them. either way, at least we tried to get it to happen.

got obsessed with mock karuta for awhile. shan't elaborate cos it sounded dumb to everyone except the few of us who played, or maybe only i dont think its dumb haha. had some moments practicing for talent search too lol. hardcore going to all sorts of studios to practice. it was quite interesting, but expensive, and ya i feel bad for doing the least work :0. then i had chalets, and my sep. it wasn't as amazing as i was hyped for, all that jap cramming and planning and thinking of what to buy back when in the end i din't get the time to do so. but looking back it was quite enjoyable and memorable.

the second half of the year was pretty damn free, or at least it felt like. cos i had so many outings omg. i felt like i went out more this year then the rest of my life combined. eating all sorts of stuff, buffets and whatnot. having outings to play soccer, or playing cards for the whole day, or only mahjong, shingeki, halo, making takoyaki, sleepovers, bbqs and so on. especially after exams ended. we hanged out so often that i din't feel like i graduated. we still hang out often actually.

but ya, we graduated, though to me it doesn't feel like a drastic change has occurred, like i thought it would when i was still in school. it does feel like there's a whole long list of history behind us though, and there were many moments where we would talk about epic fails that happened last time. there's quite a few people that i've come to know, but still the same bunch that somehow managed to stick together cos they are the most fun ppl to hang out with haha.

i wish i could somehow keep all the good memories though it is very easy to forget cos we keep making new ones. like my grad trip lol. there were lots of new experiences and stuff to remember, but in the end i din't feel like i've gone at all after i came back and had one outing. not that the trip was not amazing by itself, but i feel like i've already returned to normal cos i laughed so much yesterday. i do hope that things could stay this way, though ns and no school will probably make it much harder to keep in contact.

anyway, enough recap. now that there's no more school i kinda need to keep myself occupied i guess, in some sort of productive way. work probably is one, but at this moment now i feel like i want to try becoming serious about something that i really like to do.

i haven't given this much thought, but recently i've seen many things, like young ppl being able to do all sorts of amazing things. even the ppl in nus high, i think many of them have all sorts of hackz talents (some have multiple) like drawing, cooking, photog, performing music, computer stuff, etc etc. and then i realise im not so young anymore (even though i look like a 7 year old lol).

some ppl may compliment me occasionally, but really, i don't feel like i have anything much special about me, and actually it feels like people my age are supposed to be able to do like lots of things. i'm somewhat near my prime after all. i should be able to do much more after all tskkkk. like looking my age? or be at least decently fit like guys my age? earning money? thinking about society and stuff? idk actually, but i guess im not really prepared or bothered for some reason.

anyway, i think i know what i could possibly try getting better at. like anime. other than watching, i love the songs. i think i can imagine the melody better than when i actually listen to the thing haha. and i like the whole package in general haha. i could work on my japanese. or maybe get better at playing a certain instrument. i actually like each one of them, drums, piano, guitar. i'd like to sing of course, but i'm pretty damn amateur. but it was somewhat my dream to make some sort of anime band during uni haha. i know i'll be pretty damn satisfied if i could achieve that

i'm also pretty into games, cos i like doing all sorts of guai-lan things. ya im an addict and all sorts too lol, though even though i play so much (ok maybe not as much as i thought), i feel like im one of the noobest players out there lol. not comparing to the world of course, but even amongst ppl i know, im pretty scrub haha. even still, i think i could be interested in coding and stuff, or coming up with a game. im pretty excited about future gaming technology actually, virtual reality, holograms, all that cool stuff. i was actually thinking i don't mind working in that field, even though it sounds kinda risky haha.

the only thing that's stopping me is my laziness and procrastination though. frankly, i kinda want to get good at this things without putting in the effort, but that's not fair to those who do. i guess its cos i don't persevere long enough to get decently good, so i'm still pretty amateur in all of them.

but its abit demoralizing when u play for hours to try to play an anime song transcription but fail so bad. spam a jap app so i got all sorts of vocab memorized but still not really know how to respond to real life situations. thinking up drum beats but not knowing what to do when u actually get the chance. or coding, but facing all sorts of bugs.

so i hope that now that im free-er, i can get the motivation to put in the effort haha. i know i have an interest in these things so i should go all out. after all, i want to try to be at least able to do something a little bit special. probably some sort of inner desire haha. i guess that's as close to a new year's resolution as i can get lol.

k i think i've wrote more than enough already haha. it's one of the rare few times i feel like i've managed to express what im thinking so im pretty satisfied too heheh. so yea its one and a half hours before the new year. i should go watch the tv now. so yea. see u guys next year :D ~~

sep stuff

i've done quite alot of things recently but haven't really been updating. so gonna just copy and paste my sep reflections here lol, since it doesn't take time :0

"One of the biggest differences I noticed between life in Japan and Singapore is that their students there are more dedicated to their CCAs and seem to enjoy school more. Also, they have many activities outside school, and do not solely just rely on the computer for entertainment.

My buddy happened to bring me along to some learning center where she goes weekly to practice calligraphy, which is also her CCA, and she has been doing this for the past 9 years. Also, she plays the piano extremely, extremely well, and I also heard from her mom that she swims really well. Probably this is because these are the activities that my buddy spends her free time on instead of always using the computer like me, which is why she turned out to be so talented, unlike me :0.

Despite having so many activities, my buddy showed me this log that she said the school asked them all to do. It is a rather detailed timetable of the things to do after school, and there’s an allocated time to study, to practice the piano, to eat, etc. Their lives are well regulated and they exercise much more discipline than us Singaporeans.

Another thing I realized during my stay in Japan is the difference between living in a small and a big country. There is a lot to see and do over in Japan, thus their family often goes on short day trips to different places to do things. Transport is much more time-consuming in Japan though, despite the very efficient train system. The distance between two stops on the map seems very short, but it is actually a very long walking distance due to the size of the city, and also it is pretty expensive travelling in Kyoto, especially without a train pass.

One thing I really enjoyed was the class visit during the second last day. We had music, Japanese, PE, physics, and flower arrangement lessons. From what I heard from the people there, the students also have lifestyle lessons, where they learn where their food comes from, or how to do daily stuff, and also cooking. I feel that this kind of education is both interesting and useful.

Despite the academic abilities of the students in our school, many people do not know the nitty gritty interesting facts about daily life, and end up not knowing stuff or how to handle simple problems when they arise. Of course, our school focuses heavily on math and sciences, so there may not be the time or resources for this kind of activities, but I feel that it is both interesting and meaningful, and that this kind of information is worth knowing.

Physics was quite interesting as we learnt how to make and see rainbows. The lecture was quite technical and draining, so we saw some of the students dozing off during the lecture, which was amusing, because no matter whether we’re Japanese or Singaporean, there are some similarities between us :P. The practical part of the lesson was a very simple experiment that involved a black paper, spray glue, and some sort of small circular glass balls that allows us to see a rainbow due to refraction of light. It was a simple and fun experiment, which I feel that might make lessons interesting. However, it may not be so applicable to our school because our schedule is tight and every experiment we do has some much more complicated theory to it. The lessons were generally pretty fun to attend.

Of course, not everything went perfectly smoothly throughout the trip. I felt that the NINS workshop was really time-consuming considering that we didn’t really do much there. I regretted choosing basic biology instead of molecular science because I was interested to find out more about biology since I didn’t take it from year 5 onwards. However, it turned out that I wasn’t able to understand almost everything as it required certain genetic modification knowledge that I wasn’t taught, and thus wasn’t really able to help my groupmates come up with a presentation, and therefore it didn’t had much content in it. However, to those who did take bio, they felt like they didn’t really learn anything from the trip, and as the presentations were done in English with most of the content presented by the Singaporeans, I felt like the Japanese students didn’t really receive much out from this workshop either.

However, as it is one of the only academic activities during the trip, it was necessary to do this. The experience of trying to communicate with our groupmates and staying in a hostel where we had to do everything for ourselves was unique, and we did learn some things out of it, even though it wasn’t really pleasant.

Another issue that happened was that I think I caused quite a bit of problem for my buddy, because I requested to go to places with other people in the group. I was quite unlucky for this trip because I wasn’t able to access wi-fi and was unable to contact the rest of the group, and also, my buddy planned the activities for me but wasn’t able to tag along because of her tests.

I think that my buddy got quite stressed because I had to contact the others via my buddy contacting their buddies, and it was much harder than I expected to organize a group outing as our Japanese buddies did not really know each other that well, and some of them had already planned activities beforehand. Therefore, I think I kind of killed the mood a little on Saturday because my buddy started arguing with her mom, and I also kind of unintentionally troubled my buddy’s mom as she went to call the other party’s parents to see if they are okay with a group outing. I was trying to tell them not to worry if it’s too troublesome, but communication problems kind of prevented me from doing that.

Therefore, I felt quite guilty that I troubled my buddy so much just to plan these activities for me. In the end, I still had a pretty fun trip on Sunday going to Nara to see the deer with Yi Xuan, and we also managed to squeeze a small group outing on the second last day of the trip, which was extremely fun though quite short, so it worked out pretty well.

Overall, the trip felt quite short and I didn’t get to do as much as I wanted, such as buying souvenirs for friends, but all in all, I enjoyed my stay in Japan, got to eat quite a bit of nice food, and received really good hospitality. On my buddy’s side, they were trying their best to ensure my stay was a good one, so even though not everything went the way I wanted it, I realized from some of these issues that it is not solely just what I want, and sometimes it is better to not be so assertive if it would be troublesome for my buddy. Thus, I’m really grateful to my host family.

Now that I’ve been to Kyoto and received such good hospitality, although the buddy that would be coming over wouldn’t be the same one, I’ll most probably be able to better empathize with him since I’ve experienced the outbound trip. Therefore, I’ll try my best to accommodate to my buddy’s needs, and try to do as much as I can with the existing barrier. And most of all, I’d like me and my buddy to have as much as possible when he comes over soon! :D"

anyway, if u managed to actually read all that, yea im kinda happy that i get a second chance, and it feels much easier to host than to go there and interact cos i've got more stuff to tell my buddy. and i kinda met him before too, somehow. lucky. but then im kinda worried that my buddy will judge me cos he looks quite the popular guy. sigh i have no confidence.

but yea, i think i've got quite a lot of things i want to tell my new buddy that i din't get to say to my old buddy. see how it goes. its only next next week :D. bring them around, especially now that i get how it feels like to be an outbound buddy. intending to host some bbq at one of the weekends (and jio ppl :P). and then i get to go night safari for the first time lol. pretty excited haha

kk anyway, that's all for now. bye ~~

holidays

haven't posted in quite awhile lol. and look its more than halfway past the holidays alr :/, but shall enjoy it as long as i can. anyway, last week was pretty intense haha, shan't post bout it though, since most ppl get the point alr.

so yea first term is over. wow that's pretty fast actually. looking at what i did one, two months ago, it din't seem very long, but yea some things became pretty nice this year. i always say this though, so u can't take my word for it.

kinda lost touch with anime and learning jap through this term, though kinda catching up this holidays. been abit too crazy with running man, what watching 20+ episodes this term lol, ever since i discovered i could entertain myself with train rides haha. so yea, agree with chee seng term 1 is like the term of RM. wonder what next term will be like, ignoring exams. and there's SEP after that :D :D.

been to quite a few open houses too, recently. actually not that recent, SUTD was three weeks ago. gasp so long alr. think i kinda decided with NUS already haha. its just much bigger and although lessons don't seem that interesting or challenging, its just more fun cos there's so many programs. like the overseas one and the internship ones. and there's also non-acad ones, and cool CCAs and stuff.

of course i kinda doing engineering alr ba, though haven't decided which type. and haha im actually considering doing a minor in jap studies. that'll be pretty interesting heheh. and who knows what that could allow me to do.

shall end off with some things i should let ppl know. to some ppl, i am sorry. i know i always keep quiet about stuff, cos i feel awkward giving out my opinions (and partially cos no one really asks anyway), so no one really knows what im thinking. but yea, im really sorry, and am thinking of how to make things better. probably some ppl don't really agree with how i see things, or my attitude. i know this isn't exactly responsible either. just know that i don't hate anyone for thinking this way.

k la that's all for now. bye :)

im not really trying anymore, but i'll still help because i can't help it.

why i love the gang

i wish i had jap classes on the weekend so that i stop procrastinating at home. jcs hasn't contacted me yet after one month. maybe i shall go back there one day.

went to check out the one at tampines cc yesterday, but its wed and only elementary course. i guess its just too hard to find a short intermediate course that finishes before sep.

anyway i realised why i wanted to blog differently. my posts are bland because all i talk about is what i do, but i don't put my insights or emotions inside. anyway i realised this cos i read fiona's post about our dinner on friday. haha that dinner was really simple but felt so nice.

im also really glad that we are hanging out together. the gang is special, and i just can't get the same feeling with other ppl.

i'm really sry to the ppl in my class reading this, but as much as they are really bonded and fun-loving, i still can't help but feel somewhat restrained and slightly excluded. i guess its probably cos my class ppl is always working on stuff and doing meaningful things and talking about not having enough time to do work, while im always staying back late cos i want to hang out, draw, play futsal, etc. and basically slack.

maybe i feel somewhat guilty for slacking and also different from them. cos all i want to do is have as much fun as i can this year. im too lax on myself because i have a very idealistic dream in my head.

with the gang though, i feel so comfortable being myself and not awkward to do retarded things or say anything or joke around. there's no atmosphere of work or seriousness and its just fun and epicness. there's a little bit of physicalness and swearing and teasing, but they're good ppl and i guess the balance is just right for me. after all, i know im a slacker at heart :P.

i hope i haven't offended anyone by writing this. kk its the 15th today, ppl are coming to my house :D. bye ~~

don't sacrifice happiness to do things that do not truly make u happy

start of 2013

wanted to do this yesterday, but ended up putting it off lol. and yea i crashed last night at 11 pm and woke up at 5 am, so i completely missed all the ppl going happy new year and stuff lol. and this also means that i have been sleeping for a year haha. anyway, this is a self-reflection post i guess. i'll try not to make it to hard to read lol.

the big things this year for me was hostel, where i got really close to some people. i also saw and tried out alot of new things, and i came to realise many wonderful things that i never knew about. i guess my life's pretty boring, cos right now all i can think of is me learning jap and watching anime though.

anyway, i went to look at myself one year ago, starting from december 2011. and i realised how shameless i was :P. i was also really hyper last time, to the point of being irritating haha. i was really excited about hostel, or any outing i was going to have. and i just talked about things without really thinking about whether it was interesting to others or not.

i like to think that every year i change for the better, though i think there were some things i could do in the past that i can't do now. i know i've become less lively and enthusiasm kinda died down, though i think im still pretty positive about things. im just slightly worried that ppl liked me better last time, cos even though i was irritating, maybe i had been more interesting.

one of the things i told myself last time was not to cause other people trouble. like for example, i knew i din't really care for my acads and stuff, so if its my own thing, i can screw myself up and that's ok, as long as i din't affect other ppl, like during project work. reason was simply cos i didn't want other ppl to hate me.

but i kinda failed at this really badly. im always making mistakes, losing my stuff, forgetting things, saying the wrong things, and yet always there's someone to back me up. i know i keep causing trouble, and i don't really need to emphasize this, cos i think everyone kinda knows.

deep down, i knew i was pretty much useless when it comes to important things. i can't give much help, cos i don't know what to do, cos im afraid to take action, cos i always cause some problem here or there. i felt this in orientation camp, and many other times before too. its quite a nasty feeling, cos in that short period of time, i realised that after awhile, everyone realises that i can't be given any important tasks too.

i know the reason for this though. its because im really just too absorbed in my own world and thoughts to take notice of things happening around me. maybe its because i have this things done for me. maybe its because i din't work for my things, so i ended up not taking care of them. i don't take care of my own stuff, and sometimes i simply don't think about the stuff that im doing, or will need to do later on.

but other people bother about their things. and there has been many times i've damaged or not take proper care of other ppl's things or forget to help them do something, and made them angry. and my own things too. my parents always scold me for losing my stuff, or damaging the things they entrusted to me. 

so by now, there are so many things that ppl tell me to take note of, because they know if they din't, i may screw something up later. its something i became used to, but sometimes i feel upset or angry because of it. i tell myself to deal with this, that its no one's fault that they are wary of my mistakes. because after i eat some of this crap and suffer a bit, eventually i would learn to stop doing these things.

i feel like its a bit unfair, cos i don't feel like i was doing anything wrong, but cos of my carelessness and things, alot of problems happen. its always when im in the midst of doing something nice when something catches me off guard, and it turns out to be my fault. its quite dumb to make ppl dislike me just cos of this.

so i hope i can change. i know how difficult this is for me, cos i'm unable to be to harsh on myself. i still like being the carefree, lax person i am. i like being in my own world and stuff. i like playing my games and watching anime. there are times im lazy, impatient, or can't be bothered to do certain menial things. so there's no excuse for that.

i just hope that maybe one day, i can slowly change to become someone to be dependable, or maybe just at least not make everyone have to look out for me, to cause trouble for others. hope i can be more livelier too, just like last time, except not talk and talk while no one is caring lol. also try to be kinder and more pleasant.

afterall, i just want to enjoy the rest of my school days, and it'll be really great if i can stop causing problems so that people would stop minding me and leaving me out. for me, it'll take many more mistakes, and it'll keep repeating and repeating, but one day, i hope i can stop being so blur. look after my things and other people's things. not be late anymore.

also, i'll try my best to be able to reach N3 level for jap :D, so that i can talk to my exchange buddies. and i hope this year would be great, and everyone can have fun for this last year of school we have.

ok la orientation starts tmr. after the camp, which was kind of halfway for me, it ended in a pretty high note, and im quite hyped up for it haha. for all my duty allocations, three times i got stationmaster lol. but now i might have to control sound effects for the finale, and more. -welp-. i hope it goes smoothly lol. i already hoped for so much stuff this year haha.

ok enough alr la. bye~~

in the end, i still felt a shock when it actually happened

my screw-up

its been quite some time since i posted. boarding dinner feels like such a long time ago, even though its only been just a week. alot of things has happened i guess. yea and i'll finish up my post about it too, though i probably forgot many details already.

so basically monday was class outing, which was really fun, and tuesday was outing with ex-07 ppl, though i was abit too tired to really go all out that day. wednesday and thursday was script checking, but now its finally over. and more and more ppl are moving out of hostel.

frankly, i kinda not want the holidays to come. its been a bit too free recently, and i still don't really know what to do during the holidays. also that hostel is coming to an end really soon. essentially, it has ended, and these few days weren't be much too different from the last except we'll be seeing much less ppl now.

i din't think the year flew past as fast as others did i guess. hostel has been really fun. alot of epic stuff has happened, and i guess i would miss it really badly next year. i felt like alot of things had changed. nvr felt so happy before, like there was so much more than the life i was living the 16 years before. 

i guess i probably din't do as much, experience the things that other ppl did, but it was still pretty epic and fun. i'll have alot of memories about it. i guess i din't do a very good job in blogging all these moments, but there are probably enough to remind me that it was a really happy time here(gah why am i speaking like its already over lol. i still have like two more weeks :P).

finally learnt the truth yesterday. of course when it first happened i was really sad, especially when i was alone, and suddenly the truth struck me. i kinda get how it feels now. but then someone shared certain things with me. it was meant to make me feel better. it wasn't exactly the things i wanted to hear, but it was good. i was told to feel happy about what happened, that it was a good thing. of course, i couldn't exactly go hahaha right away, but it helped me to accept it, and gave me some hope. that things would still go back to normal after this.

things don't always go the way u want to. i knew i screwed up big time, but then it din't really change the consequence anyway. so at least now i know. now i don't regret. i don't resent what has happened anymore, cos i kind of accepted things already. i still feel a twinge of weirdness. i don't really feel like watching anything, doing anything right now. but i guess i'll get over it pretty soon. im close to ok by now :)

ppl are intelligent. they could probably guess what happened just by those two paras above. i din't exactly feel like sharing it, especially those few hours from when it first happened. but i was honest about everything i wrote up there, at least in my point of view. i know, maybe i shudn't have shared this here, but anyway, if anyone understands what happened, just pretend like u don't know ok? thanks :)

ok la this is it for now. bye~~

though there still are some things i'd like to know, but i guess i can't say them anymore

not enough time

this term passed by really fast. its the exam period now, and after that, just a few days of school left. only have those few 5 or 6 days where i get to see everyone. i realise i won't be seeing many people for a really long time from now. then hostel would end and then i'd have to wait till next year before everything comes back again.

i know i have been acting really strangely this term. but just as i realised how i should have just acted normally, it was over already. i know that my thoughts change very quickly, that maybe one month from now i'll be thinking of something different again. but its all stuck in my head now, and i can't concentrate. so i'll just say it now.

i've been pretty strange this term, but this is not actually how i really feel like. i guess at the point of time, i din't think i was doing anything wrong, but at the same time, i did notice something wasn't right. i guess i got overconcerned about what ppl thought. i probably overthought about it, and then i just spent all my time wondering what went wrong. i wish i could go back and just act normally as i used to, but i guess i'll probably have to wait next year.

its not like im saying i shouldn't care about what other ppl think, but then it made me do things that im not sure whether i actually wanted to or not, just to make other ppl think differently. i should have just did what i really meant to, stop keeping things from others, being aloof and all that.

i know now why term 3 was so awesome for me. its because i wasn't thinking about any end in mind and overcomplicating things. i just enjoyed the process, did what i did. i watched anime, learnt jap and jap songs, talked and have fun with classmates and clustermates. and i felt i achieved a little of something everyday, even if it was just a few minutes everyday. i was abit crazy, but i think i meant to do what i wanted to. i enjoyed all these thing, and thus i was happy about what i did. it make me feel great and look forward to things that would happen the next day.

maybe im not as strange as i thought after all, but rather all that thinking made me believe i was. and it had an effect on me. actually, what i want is just to talk to ppl like normal, hang out like normal, laugh about the funny things that happen everyday. instead of thinking about how all these things had no significance, i shud have felt happy when i did all these things this term, and just enjoy everything like i used to. and look forward to the next day.

i hope its not too late for me to realise this now, though it'll probably be next year before i can experience all these again. time to go back to normal now. stop being so distant and be overconcerned about what others think, cos that is not what i really want. cos it made me forget how to really enjoy my time here.

i hope that ppl realise that i just want to fit back in again. help me feel like i can interact with ppl like everyone else does. i dunno how's that going to happen, but i don't want ppl to misunderstand and think that i don't want to talk to them or that kind of thing. i guess in return i have to open up more and tell them what i really want.

i can only dream now, and im not sure how convicted i'll be when the time comes, whether i'll end up doing it, but all i know is how happy i would be if i really did.

ok la back to studying now. i guess i shud be able to concentrate better by now. but im sure i'll end up slacking somehow lolz. still gonna watch like 1 episode of anime everyday :o. ok la bye~~

its hard to believe that i would actually be able to do it when it feels so impossible, but some part of me tells me there's still hope if i really try

why we used to hang out so much

ok this din't come from me, it was just what i heard. and its not going to have any drastic change on me or anything, just that i found it made alot of sense and it was interesting to think about. have u wondered why did we go out so much last time?

can u remember what it was like last time we used to play soccer almost everyday? all the epic fails and hitting the posts and everyone dying from laughter. i have a rough memory of what it was like, though there's probably alot i have forgotten. but i bet it's in my blog somewhere.

it was back then when we were all much lousier then now. i shall list some examples. how we always tried to bully hema :P, how huang and jiamin always zam the ball high in the air, how wong and chee always comes late cause of bridge but always end up coming.

and then after everything, we'd all just lie on the track, exhausted. play cards and talk until it was about 7pm. din't think about this, but what if someone have been watching us from, let's say hostel? they probably couldn't have understood what fun it was unless they experienced it themselves.

and no offense, but do u remember the times when it was always pin vs daryl? pin always keeps wanting to go home, while daryl always tried to salvage certain ppl who are bound to stay. come to think about it, it's actually quite hilarious lolz.

and there was always a few of us who wanted to play no matter what. and ppl like wong and chee, stuck in the middle, and ending up playing bridge. but in the end when we decided to play soccer, we din't regret. even though it means leaving school at 7 every friday.

yea i know this doesn't really sound like me, cos they weren't from me lol. but how did all of us just fit in like this, despite from being in so many different classes? there were many clicks that just broke off from year 2 to year 3, but the ex-07 one just endured. its actually quite amazing.

all of this was due to chance. and im really glad i was so lucky to just happen to fit in this group of ppl just like that. i don't exactly know how it happened, but when i first joined, everyone found me irritating or something. then it just happened, i just fit it and everyone got used to it. its like magic, i can't really explain.

maybe its cause all of us always went home together. as in not everyone was in the same direction, but most ppl took bus to commonwealth, and its usually just chee and wong (and hema) who went the other way. where we were always trying to help chee and wong shake off hema haha. i dunno why i was so against hema last time, but it was fun :P

so when our lessons ended, we were always waiting for ppl from other classes. and when we met up, somehow we were always trying to find something to do, because we felt it would just be boring to go home. i dunno how that concept came to me, but it did. and thus we always talked about playing soccer or bridge.

i used to be against bridge, cos maybe at that time all i wanted was to play soccer. but after that i realised that no matter what we did, we always did it together, and i changed towards wanting to spend more time with u guys. it just happened. like magic.

i guess as we grow up, this gets harder and harder to achieve. we used to just do whatever we want? why? because why not was the reason. i just joined wanting to have fun, not really caring that it was awkward. that ppl din't really like me at first. i was always trying to play ppl's iphones :P, and i din't think at that time that ppl felt it irritating. but slowly, ppl just got used to this. and then we became friends.

nowadays its harder cos everyone has matured. but it'll be nice to remember those times again. maybe next year the conditions would be right again. we would always be trying to look for each other after breaks, i hope. and not wanting to go home so fast cos that would be boring. and being able to see who's playing just by looking out from our classes too. sure, it won't be the same, but if it really do happens, that be really nice.

i know many things have changed, so there are more things to consider now. yea the present is more important now. new friends have become important too, and we can't just think about the past, cos we need to move on. but there could be a guilt forming, because last time we were somewhat inseparable. that its sad for it just to end like that.

it can’t be helped, cos in the end, everyone goes separate ways. its an inevitable fact, that we make more friends and lose friends. we have to continue with what is present, the new ones. but its ok actually. we just need to live in the present, but treasure the past memories. why we were so happy at that point of time, its important too. even though we may not be together in the future. 

maybe if we looked it in another way, there's nothing to feel guilty or regret about. because we don't have to compare what it's like now and last time. both are awesome in their own way.

maybe im saying this because im worried i won't be able to see u guys in the future. im not sure how certain i am, but i can feel this strong desire to go to japan. im not transforming my whole life now, but im generally pushing myself in that direction, and trusting that no matter what happens, we would all adapt and find something we really want.

ideally i would end up in japan, but i could be doing something else i feel would be really awesome as well. and thus i haven't given any more serious thought about the future. i just trust that no mater what happens, we'll all find a way somehow. and thus i think its okay to just pursue what we want now. because in the end, even if its unexpected, it will all work out.

ok going out for coffee and haircut(damn) soon. bye~~

not going to do anything drastic, but i shall try harder