taking it easy

hi, im back here again, after two weeks. idk if i could call it a short time, since things seem to pass faster when u get used to things and don't really think about stuff happening elsewhere. quite some time has passed since i left school, since my grad trip, since i first enlisted, etc, and there were many nice memories from them. although when ppl try to catch up with me about things happening recently, i kind of get lazy to explain though.

my mum is back from canada since last saturday, and it didn't really feel like 2 months since she left, but at the same time many things happened between now and then. even still, such changes don't really seem to change anything. i guess that's what happens when life gets routine.

anyway, over dinner, i was asked why i didn't try to apply for uni overseas. its not the first time i heard the question, though usually i kind of put off the question. my main reply is that i do not know which overseas uni to apply to, but that's not entirely true, cos there's a few american unis that would be more suitable for the kind of thing i'd really want to study. it's mainly cos of the inertia ever since i graduated, and after i got my placing in SMU and a pretty great scholarship, which honestly, i got with too little effort.

it made me feel i didn't have to research about overseas uni, and knowing that if i change my mind now, i'd have to study for and take SATS, and maybe do stuff that improves my portfolio (which isn't really my kind of thing). i used to not want to go to america for some weird reason too, scared that i'd go astray if i was left on my own, what with how easily i might get influenced, due to my poor self-control. and i kinda didn't want to leave the people im so familiar with behind me.

things have changed a little since the last time i've thought about this though. being in army has made many things about my personality change i guess, both good and maybe not so good ways. i've probably put much more effort than i ever did before, sometimes with no better reason than cos i just want to challenge myself.

see if i can get that ippt gold, or just try to get the damned track pad out of its pitch and keep pulling damn hard on the torque bar. go under the gun and try to remove the dried up mud from the wheels, ending up hosing myself with lots of water and eating a lot of sand, just cos i felt good when the wheel gets cleaned completely. some things are really trivial, but it seems i might have learned how to get a little enjoyment from trying hard sometimes, even though it seems like a waste of energy. 

there's some bad things though. i know my temper has gotten shorter, though i usually still try not to let it show as always. and i know my self-control has gotten pretty bad, especially after my mum left for overseas, i haven't been sleeping at the appropriate times and i come home quite late from outings.

but i guess im doing ok in army, even if i suffered alot previously, both physically and mentally, and even though im still somewhat alone and abit weird, i feel happy when my sergeants say i work quite hard, or when i hear my bunkmates ask why i dont get angry even if ppl snap at me.

i guess my point is that, maybe if i held the same attitude towards my future, rather than just sitting here being comfortable with my funded degree, i could maybe do more and feel happier. maybe i've been at ease for too long, though im not sure if the effort to work harder would be worth it. it's abit like a visual novel with two choices lol.

of course, i'd think it be better if i worked harder, but it's a bit difficult to feel the push to do so on my own. maybe i should start asking ppl who went overseas if they felt like their effort is worth it, which probably is la haha. but then again, getting into the uni is not everything. though the experience of being there would make me more motivated to try big things.

then again, there's many things to life than just that. maybe im not suited to adventure and fly off to somewhere unknown. if i just continued on like this, be more self controlled, and enjoy life, that wouldnt be so bad either. i guess with the way i am, ill just get used to whatever happens somehow

ok la that's all for now, need to rush to book in le. life's been getting k at army ever since trade course ended haha. kk bye~~