but to be honest, coming this far, it does not really feel like anything spectacular, no matter how much i may have looked forward to it in the past. its just the day where i will no longer need to go back to camp, no longer feel constrained by rules that are not just occasionally extremely brainless, and not having to do saikang and just stuff that i don't really want to do.
but of course, even if it doesn't feel like a really special event, it does feel good haha. i have finished my commitment ever since i came back from new zealand, and for this short moment i can almost do as i please until the date comes. to put it bluntly 'i am so done with this sh*t', but of course whatever issues that i have with ppl or things, i've already started to let go. so i can leave happily without having any grudges or dissatisfaction, not for other ppl's sake but really for my own.
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so anyway, i've come a long way, and i can say this now because its gonna end, but army really wasn't a bad experience. of course im not going to sugarcoat my words, it is definitely not a pleasant process, and its not as beneficial as what some ppl say because there's seriously a lot of stupid things u need to do or obey here, for what i don't know, but just because that's the army way, or that the reason is above u, or whatever excuse they like to use that no one ever buys.
im pretty sure my battery (that's what u call a fighting unit for arty) was exploited in pretty much every way possible, from sea games/ndp, parades, local events, extra maintenance work/duties we do cos other ppl push it to us. and yea it did generate a lot of hatred. i wouldn't say that we are having it a lot harder than other ppl in different vocations, its probably quite similar everywhere. in a sense u really are serving the nation, or to put it bluntly, a soldier becomes the nation's dog for these 2 years.
i would think at least 50% of my battery really really hates it here, and as understandable as all that stress and angst is, it really is important not to let it consume u, but rather stay rational and don't do stupid things. i mean occasionally its funny, but some really bad shit can happen if u do stupid things.
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since we are all forced to come here anyway, there really is stuff u can learn from the experience. i guess the main one would be how to endure tough/unpleasant times, both physically and mentally. that's quite duh haha. the next would probably be how to stand ur ground, to protect urself and not get exploited. because there are ppl who will do these things, and not just in army, but in the working world as well.
my school really was a more friendly and protected place to be in. not everyone is an angel but the majority really are decent people at heart. but step outside and that's where u need to learn how to deal with other people, how to say no under pressure or avoid following the bandwagon if they start doing mean things to others. i don't like unjustified hatred and discrimination, but unfortunately others seem to enjoy it, and u really need to know that there's a line u shouldn't cross.
it is ok and normal to be selfish, but u really need to know when to stop being a dick sometimes, not for other's sake but really for ur own. starting pointless arguments is really not going to make ur life any better, but being a decent and earnest person can get u through the tough times. on normal days, ppl might not be on friendly terms with u, but at times when u really need help, they will still help if they think that u have not wronged them or treated them unfairly.
also, i feel that learning to look past people's flaws is quite important. its hard to change people's impressions once a mistake is made. but personally, i have really hated some people from my battery in the past, and as i learnt how to tolerate while suppressing my dislike and hurt, i have seen the good side of the same people too, and ended up being able to interact with them, properly at the very least. there is usually a part of someone that is capable of being good/hardworking given the right environment.
don't tear down communications just cos u can't stand the way someone does things or the fact that they like to disturb others. or because someone keeps telling u that this person is xxx. ppl have the right to say what they want about others, but its important to judge a person with ur own eyes, and treat them fairly. don't hold grudges over just one small occasion where they dissed u cos they were having a bad day.
~~~
i kind of gone through a huge change to my character throughout these 2 years. when im around u guys im still the same old person, but in camp i did suffer and went through some hard times. i feel alone most of the time, mostly cos i never really had a very good friend in army, my personality just doesn't mix well with the general crowd. even still, i tried really hard, and from that, i also learnt when to stop trying, when something is important, or when u can close one eye and just finish it quickly.
i mean, being serious in army really seems like a stupid thing. for one most people will mock u, and secondly, there really are a lot of unimportant things. but what's important is the attitude. i do cut corners in areas, but there are times to joke and there are times to be serious. slacking in pt, or not bothering to clean properly is one thing, while dragging down other people due to one's selfishness/laziness and not cooperating when important events are going on is another. its what seperates a slacker from a real douche, and in the end deep down, everyone will treat an unpopular slacker with more respect than a popular douche. at least that is what i've come to realise.
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but overall the most important takeaway of all this time is that i've learnt how to accept myself as a person. im someone with a slight inferiority complex, and there were times i tried convincing myself that i wasn't the one at fault, but ended up not believing it. being excluded does not mean that one is not good enough, there simply are things one can't control. i've learnt not to lie to myself, i know when something is my fault, even if my pride does not make me admit it. and its probably the same for anyone else, u simply can't lie to urself for ur own convenience. and that's why i can believe that im not a malicious or judgmental person, even if some people don't really like me, even if i have my flaws.
i know im occasionally lazy and selfish. and i have issues being punctual, and my self-control is pretty lacking haha. but i also believe that i can work hard when it is important or when im motivated. and i feel like i treat people fairly if not nicely. and i also feel really proud of the small things i have accomplished in these past 2 years. i wouldn't say that im a very confident person or that i've matured a lot, but i can trust my own judgement and values nowadays, and i also feel more hopeful for the future.
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right now i feel pretty happy and satisfied with how things are going, though that's supposed to be a given haha, because i haven't even entered the realm of responsibility yet. i no longer feel like im weird for liking my anime and jap stuff, or spending so much time on the guitar, or my unusual choice of uni, even if other people judge me for it.
i feel like im doing things genuinely for my own sake, it takes priority over making others think better of me. so that i won't be swayed even if people say negative things, that i can believe i did well, even if the results aren't fantastic. i won't regret doing these things, because it has brought me much joy, or satisfaction through the challenge. im proud that i've improved this much, and even if others are better than me, it doesn't make me feel bad, because i'll learn new stuff from them and improve.
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gonna wrap this rant up haha. its been really long and not consistent i know. there's just one thing that im really, really looking forward to now, and no it doesn't rhyme with armadillo. i only fully realised how eventful and fun the previous japan trip was after i came back and it always makes me get excited when i tell other people about it (especially those who share my obsession with japan :P). so im gonna go to japan once more and really, really enjoy myself, because i deserve a good long break after these two years haha.
ok that's all for now. bye ^^
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