one-sided

why is it so hard to write out what im thinking... i dint post yesterday, cos i couldnt construct what i wanted to say. i havent even decided on the title yet...

this blog's supposed to be for closed friends, but its still public, and info gets out, as shown as last week. its not really safe posting inner thoughs, but i just cant help posting about what im thinking though, cos i dint get a chance to spew it all out this week. i think ill post normally after this one... (and i shud start posting more often in school too...)

i dunno whats wrong with me this week lolz. sometimes im just dazed, or walking around dunno doing what. cos i realised its impossible so freakin hard. monday was ok, but wednesday i had completely no chance. i have chinese, i dont take bio, i have dcarp. that day was actually ok u know, but uh, half the time im just wondering what im doing...

its really weird, among girls in general, how i interact with her the least, yet notice her the most -.-. the rest just dont seem to be what im looking for. even though they may be nicer or whatever, but im stuck with only one...

but damn, why are we so different. her maturity is like 4 years above mine. she's really smart, even though she's retarded (in the funny way). and she has a life man. she did so many things last time, while all i did in yr 1 and 2 was i dunno what. playing games sucks man, but i cant stop doing it. if i dint play games so much, learned how to socialise when i was in yr 1 and 2, or blog, maybe id be much better than now.

and due to chance, we never meet, we never talk, but still i notice her. i just cant bear to initiate stuff... just like how i cant thank family or friends when they do really nice things for me and i get touched. why i gotta be like this... coward. lolz. am i even a guy? or just a girl inside? i sometimes wish i was a girl. they seem to have more fufilling lives than guys. i sometimes wonder what girls see in guys anyway. not that u have to answer this question.

its almost definitely doomed man. prolly would fade away within a few weeks.

i dont think id be very affected though. im still doing alright without her. why am i feeling guilty lolz, for not being unhappy when she's not around.

why am i being so abstract here lolz. and this is going nowhere. i just couldnt organise all those thoughts lolz. im actually laughing(?) when im typing this out? at what, how retarded this sounds? o.o. whats the reason that im being like this lol...

... but anyway one last thing, pls dont publicize what im thinking lol. i prefer being unnoticed, thankyouverymuch. just dont let her know, okay? lolz

its just your wishful thinking...