damn i really have changed a lot man. from the first time i blogged till now, i dont recognise that old me anymore haha.
anyway, today i woke up really really late. like 1:15. i got scolded of course. yesterday also, for continuing to blog until that time. even after she offed the modem i was still typing, then connected to some random unprotected wifi for a few minutes just to post lolz.
but really, even though i hated to be scolded, and she was really ughh about it, couldnt blame her man. she just doesnt understand why i need to blog this days. im no longer blogging for myself anymore, "just to record down events" as i did last time. in fact that sounds so selfish lolz. i just need to talk to myself through this. like i need to try to describe what im feeling, so i know that im feeling in that way. ok lolz not that noble la haha. i still blog only when i want to XD.
but thankfully, going out for tea solves every dispute. its really amazing. almost failed to go this week cos i dint bring shirt, and im really ashamed to wear that martial arts uniform out, but somehow i made her go back home, then go out again. without saying, we agree that we needed to go for tea together haha.
she was trying to sing some song called "be the star you are" or something like that. used to think she sang terribly and i couldnt stand to hear, but this time, i was trying to make her sound better. even though her tune is correct, her pronunciation is quite bad, such that it ruined the whole thing. and she cant sing deep cos her voice is comfotable at high pitched.
but woa she really put in alot of effort man must commend. kept practising non-stop de throughout car ride. she wont give up that kind haha.
anyway over tea she told me tmr that she is meeting her old hwa chong friends. they're really successful, most of the 10 of them. and they're all guys. i could understand completely man. some girls just feel that guys are more fun, right. woa the way she talked about it, she must have loved high school man. maybe im just like her after all haha.
but anyway, urgh i need to think this part through...
i think ive finally pinpointed what im like to others alr. why some ppl cant stand me, and why its so awkward and hard for me to make new friends. my outside doesnt really match what i am inside.
im not low-ego, really. in fact i think im quite self-confident? like i really dont hate myself. i like who i am, just that i dont like what i appear to others. seriously, i bet ur first impressions on me dont tally with what i am now right? cos i have this weird, non guy face, and then i cant wake up, forget stuff, lazy to do work, etc.
ive been changing alot inside, really. im starting to learn how to love my family, enjoy school, make ppl like to talk to me, and trying to completely remove my other face, the really bad person in me. now, it only shows when im playing games, or when im treated really freakin unfairly that i cant just laugh it off or tolerate it. so yea i really like who i am inside now.
but outside, nothing has changed. still the same hairstyle, same awkward looks, cant wake up, forgetful, etc. its like i cant show my good side urghh. thats why i feel so awkward making new friends, cos they have to look past this very phail outside. its really difficult u know, finding someone who can completely ignore this outside. its inevitable for close people to not find it troublesome or irritating, even if its just a little. so hard, so hard...
k, i shall try, to make a good impression of myself, to her. hope i get noticed lolz
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