not enough time

this term passed by really fast. its the exam period now, and after that, just a few days of school left. only have those few 5 or 6 days where i get to see everyone. i realise i won't be seeing many people for a really long time from now. then hostel would end and then i'd have to wait till next year before everything comes back again.

i know i have been acting really strangely this term. but just as i realised how i should have just acted normally, it was over already. i know that my thoughts change very quickly, that maybe one month from now i'll be thinking of something different again. but its all stuck in my head now, and i can't concentrate. so i'll just say it now.

i've been pretty strange this term, but this is not actually how i really feel like. i guess at the point of time, i din't think i was doing anything wrong, but at the same time, i did notice something wasn't right. i guess i got overconcerned about what ppl thought. i probably overthought about it, and then i just spent all my time wondering what went wrong. i wish i could go back and just act normally as i used to, but i guess i'll probably have to wait next year.

its not like im saying i shouldn't care about what other ppl think, but then it made me do things that im not sure whether i actually wanted to or not, just to make other ppl think differently. i should have just did what i really meant to, stop keeping things from others, being aloof and all that.

i know now why term 3 was so awesome for me. its because i wasn't thinking about any end in mind and overcomplicating things. i just enjoyed the process, did what i did. i watched anime, learnt jap and jap songs, talked and have fun with classmates and clustermates. and i felt i achieved a little of something everyday, even if it was just a few minutes everyday. i was abit crazy, but i think i meant to do what i wanted to. i enjoyed all these thing, and thus i was happy about what i did. it make me feel great and look forward to things that would happen the next day.

maybe im not as strange as i thought after all, but rather all that thinking made me believe i was. and it had an effect on me. actually, what i want is just to talk to ppl like normal, hang out like normal, laugh about the funny things that happen everyday. instead of thinking about how all these things had no significance, i shud have felt happy when i did all these things this term, and just enjoy everything like i used to. and look forward to the next day.

i hope its not too late for me to realise this now, though it'll probably be next year before i can experience all these again. time to go back to normal now. stop being so distant and be overconcerned about what others think, cos that is not what i really want. cos it made me forget how to really enjoy my time here.

i hope that ppl realise that i just want to fit back in again. help me feel like i can interact with ppl like everyone else does. i dunno how's that going to happen, but i don't want ppl to misunderstand and think that i don't want to talk to them or that kind of thing. i guess in return i have to open up more and tell them what i really want.

i can only dream now, and im not sure how convicted i'll be when the time comes, whether i'll end up doing it, but all i know is how happy i would be if i really did.

ok la back to studying now. i guess i shud be able to concentrate better by now. but im sure i'll end up slacking somehow lolz. still gonna watch like 1 episode of anime everyday :o. ok la bye~~

its hard to believe that i would actually be able to do it when it feels so impossible, but some part of me tells me there's still hope if i really try