missing emotions

sometimes i wonder whether i have missing emotions. that i am unable to feel certain emotions that most ppl usually do. in normal circumstances, i feel like i can appreciate someone, or seem to care about someone. i can tell what ppl feel, and i usually try to consider their feelings whenever i do something.

but when something big happens, like birthdays, or teacher's day, or mother's day, suddenly i don't feel much anymore. i don't feel much inclination to make the day special for them. i haven't made any mother's day or teacher's day or birthday cards ever since i was very young. i haven't specially treated them better than any normal day. everyone else seems to be so motivated to make the day special for them. like my sister's or my friends. it seems so normal for them, but yet i don't feel anything much. its like there's some missing emotion in me.

to be really honest, i really don't know if i love my family, like everyone else does. sure, ppl complain about their family, but when i meet my friend's families, i can feel there's some sort of affection towards their parents. i can't really feel it though. sure, i think my sister's are awesome, my parents are somewhat ok. in fact, i think they are much nicer than i think, just that they don't really express this kind of emotions.  it's not like my family is bad. i feel like if it were someone else living as me, they probably would love my family. i think im actually quite lucky to have a life like this.

but when something happens to them, or to my friends, for example they injured themselves, sometimes i just don't feel anything. not much concern, not much urgency. its just the reactions of others around me that pushes me to action. but all i really do is stand there and watch, and then doubt whether i really care about the person or not. i think i do, on a normal day-to-day basis, but then the sense of urgency and concern, its like a missing emotion in me.

will i really feel anything for my family if i left them? honestly speaking, i might actually not really miss them. i haven't actually left them before, but living in hostel, i came to realise that i don't really feel much desire to see them again. it's not like i don't want to see them, but i have never really felt what homesickness was. i might seem like someone who may be relatively ok with my family, but i have never actually felt much emotion regarding family members, like many people seem to innately do.

maybe this has something to do with my past. it wasn't a bad one, but it always seemed like no one seemed to willing consider much about me, other than my family. but i don't feel it, and i have not reciprocated it. its only until recently where i really started to make friends and appreciate what's around me, but still, i don't feel that care or concern except for just a very few ppl. it doesn't feel real to me, but more of what my brain tells me i should feel. is these emotions im feeling really how concern should feel like? it seems like im really lacking in something and yet i don't know what to do about it.

but recently, i've felt ppl starting to really treat me much more nicely than before. i can feel the care they seem to innately possess with ppl they like to be with. i really appreciate and cherish this care that i can feel coming from others. i think it wouldn't be hard for me to feel touched by other ppl. maybe something as simple as those really beautiful birthday cards that so many ppl around me seem to make so easily would probably cause me to tear up. just that i haven't really received it before. and im not sure whether i really deserve one, because i don't reciprocate it. i can't for some reason.

what does it take for me to truly feel care for someone? do i really have to wait until it is gone before i finally realised i should have done something? and yet it doesn't feel real. its like an instruction to feel a certain emotion rather than it naturally occurring. maybe overthinking all these things have made it all seem so fake, but i doubt that's the reason. i really think that something missing in me. what should i do to break this chain of missing emotions then?

i've hidden away so many of these kinds of thoughts that its probably quite surprising to read this. but im not exaggerating when i say i don't feel much. sometimes i really don't feel anything when something occurs, other than guilt for being so emotionally. but i really want to change. i want to be able to do things for other ppl's good, not just mine. its going to be very difficult, but i really want to close up this gap in my emotions. so that i can be a real friend

is it really care and concern that i feel about u? or is it just me instructing myself to do that?